Jeff240sx
04-16-2003, 01:08 PM
Preface:
The following may be kinda shovanistic. I had a pretty nasty breakup with a girlfriend, and accumulated some thoughts. She lives in my hometown, where I drive to every weekend to work on my car. It's a 2 hour drive, and the radio sucks, so I just think. I also record my thoughts with a digital recorder... I was just listening to it, and I think these are the best thoughts...
Well.. here they are:
Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. I need it up, you need it down. You don't hear me bitching about you leaving it down.
Since I'm colorblind, I see in about 5 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect me
to act like a soap opera guy.
If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask me. I refuse to answer.
Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if I can find the perfect present yet again.
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
Sometimes, I'm not thinking about you. Live with it. Don't ask me what I'm thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, cars, or the shotgun formation.
Sunday = Sports. Period.
Shopping and cheerleading are not sports
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.
Crying is blackmail.
Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints
don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't
work. Just say it damnit!
No, I don't know what day it is. I never will. Mark Anniversaries
on the calendar.
Peeing standing up is more difficult. I'm bound to miss sometimes.
Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Come to me with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what I do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Foreign films are best left to foreigners. Unless it's Bruce Lee..
It is neither in your best interest nor mine to take the quiz together. And, no, it doesn't matter which quiz.
Anything I said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All
comments become null and void after 7 days.
If something I said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, I meant the other one.
Let me ogle. I'm goinna to look anyway; it's genetic.
You can either tell me to do something OR tell me how to do something, but not both.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
If it itches, it will be scratched.
Beer is as exciting for me as handbags are for you.
If I ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," I will act like
nothing's wrong. I know you're lying, but it's just not worth the
hassle.
General things that irritate me:
People who point at their wrist while asking for the time -
I know where my watch is! Where the **** is yours?
Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the restroom is?
When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it
too".
Damn right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?
When people say "it's always the last place you look".
Of course it is. Why the **** would you keep looking after you've found it?
When people say while watching a film "did you see THAT?".
No, jackass, I paid $8 to come to the theater and stare at the floor.
People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".
You didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?
When something is 'new and improved!'.
Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
When people say "life is short".
What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does
What can you do that's longer?
When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?".
If the bus came would I be standing here asshole?
Confusing Questions:
Teflon = Non stick stuff. How does it stick to the pan?
If the speed of light is the fastest speed anywhere, without equal... then what's the speed of dark.
Don't tell me I have too much time on my hands! I have too far of a drive to make. So.. until this weekend when I'm driving home again and get more time to think, I'm done.
Oh.. and if my current girlfriend reads this... I'll probably be on the couch.
-Jeff
Edit: After re-reading this.. I should call it "Deep Thoughts.. by Jeff 240sx."
The following may be kinda shovanistic. I had a pretty nasty breakup with a girlfriend, and accumulated some thoughts. She lives in my hometown, where I drive to every weekend to work on my car. It's a 2 hour drive, and the radio sucks, so I just think. I also record my thoughts with a digital recorder... I was just listening to it, and I think these are the best thoughts...
Well.. here they are:
Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. I need it up, you need it down. You don't hear me bitching about you leaving it down.
Since I'm colorblind, I see in about 5 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect me
to act like a soap opera guy.
If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask me. I refuse to answer.
Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if I can find the perfect present yet again.
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
Sometimes, I'm not thinking about you. Live with it. Don't ask me what I'm thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, cars, or the shotgun formation.
Sunday = Sports. Period.
Shopping and cheerleading are not sports
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.
Crying is blackmail.
Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints
don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't
work. Just say it damnit!
No, I don't know what day it is. I never will. Mark Anniversaries
on the calendar.
Peeing standing up is more difficult. I'm bound to miss sometimes.
Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Come to me with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what I do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Foreign films are best left to foreigners. Unless it's Bruce Lee..
It is neither in your best interest nor mine to take the quiz together. And, no, it doesn't matter which quiz.
Anything I said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All
comments become null and void after 7 days.
If something I said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, I meant the other one.
Let me ogle. I'm goinna to look anyway; it's genetic.
You can either tell me to do something OR tell me how to do something, but not both.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
If it itches, it will be scratched.
Beer is as exciting for me as handbags are for you.
If I ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," I will act like
nothing's wrong. I know you're lying, but it's just not worth the
hassle.
General things that irritate me:
People who point at their wrist while asking for the time -
I know where my watch is! Where the **** is yours?
Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the restroom is?
When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it
too".
Damn right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?
When people say "it's always the last place you look".
Of course it is. Why the **** would you keep looking after you've found it?
When people say while watching a film "did you see THAT?".
No, jackass, I paid $8 to come to the theater and stare at the floor.
People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".
You didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?
When something is 'new and improved!'.
Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
When people say "life is short".
What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does
What can you do that's longer?
When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?".
If the bus came would I be standing here asshole?
Confusing Questions:
Teflon = Non stick stuff. How does it stick to the pan?
If the speed of light is the fastest speed anywhere, without equal... then what's the speed of dark.
Don't tell me I have too much time on my hands! I have too far of a drive to make. So.. until this weekend when I'm driving home again and get more time to think, I'm done.
Oh.. and if my current girlfriend reads this... I'll probably be on the couch.
-Jeff
Edit: After re-reading this.. I should call it "Deep Thoughts.. by Jeff 240sx."