share and read this joke! :lol:

[full house]

A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3
ducks and decided to "enforce the laws pending." He stopped the
hunter, flashed his badge and said, "Looks like you've had a pretty
good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?" The hunter shrugged and handed
the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted
his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and
said, "This here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington
state hunting license?" The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly
showed the warden a Washington state hunting license. The warden took
a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it
out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an
Idaho state hunting license?" The hunter, a bit put out, produced an
Idaho state hunting license. The warden took a third duck, conducted
the same finger test, and said, "This here's an Oregon state duck. Do
you have an Oregon state hunting license?" Once again, only this time
more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license. The
warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to
the hunter and said, "You've got all of these licenses, just where the
hell are you from?" The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said
"You're so smart, YOU tell ME!"

[full house]

another one! lol

An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is nothing."

[full house]

A bit Corny but it made me smile!

Dracula and Bat

Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side. So all the bats were honored to take part. The rules were simple. Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner? So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full of blood. Dracula says: "Congratulations, how did you do that?" The bat said: "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and sucked the blood of all the family". "Very good" said Dracula. The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood. Dracula astonished says, "How did you do that?" The bat replies " Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school. I went in and drunk the blood of all the children". "Impressive" said Dracula. Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe. Dracula is stunned. "How on earth did you do that????" he asked. And the bat replies. "Do you see this tower?" Dracula replies with a yes. And the bat says "Well, I didn't".

[EvilRB]

Since no one has said anything about this thread I guess I'll contribute. Here is one I found today:


Two blondes walk into a bar. Sally and Nicky. They each order a drink, and sit down at a table.

They raise a toast, and start cheering, "51 days! 51 days!" After a few minutes, another blonde walks in, Beth, and joins the first two.

They again cheer, "51 days! 51 days!" A few minutes later, a 4th blonde, Melissa, walks in carrying a what looks like a cardboard picture.

She joins the other 3 girls, and toasts as well, "51 days! 51 days!"

The bartender, who's extremely curious, wants to find out. He walks up to the girls and asks what the cheering is all about.

Sally holds up the cardboard picture, which turns out to be a 12 piece puzzle of the Cookie Monster, and says "Everyone says blondes are dumb.

Well we proved them wrong! This puzzle says 2-4 years on the box, and we finished it in 51 days!"


And another:

HER DIARY

Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you too."

When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried.

I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY

Today the Giants lost, but at least I got laid.

[Okinawandrifter87]

Hhahahahha lmfao at the one about the diaries!! +1 for making me laugh at work!!

[k's_silvia2.0]

Good way to start my day.
Thanks for the laugh.

[Farzam]

LOLOLOLOLOL
OLOLOL
Lololololollollllololollollololololololololoolll
lool

[sleepy_s13]

they were all good +1

[C. Senor]

here you guys go.

A math teacher and his wife were both 54 years old. One evening the wife came home and found a note from her husband. It said: ''My dear, you are 54 years old and there are some things you are not giving me, so I am at the Holiday Inn with my 18-year-old student. Don't bother waiting up for me.''

He returns home that night to find a note from his wife: ''You are also 54 years old and there are things I need that you're not giving me. So I am at the Motel 6 with one of your 18-year-old students and you (being a math teacher) should know that 18 goes into 54 way more than 54 goes into 18, so don't YOU wait up for ME.''


A man takes his wife to a livestock show. They start heading down the alley where the bulls are kept. A sign in front of the first bull says: "This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year! You could learn from him."

They proceed to the next bull and that sign states: "This bull mated 65 times last year."

The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That's over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, big time."

They proceed to the last bull and his sign reads: "This bull mated 365 times last year."

The wife's mouth drops open as she gasps, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That's ONCE A DAY! You could really learn from this one!"

The man turns to his wife and says, "Yeah, okay. Go on up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."


Two sperm are swimming in a women''s body. One sperm says to the other in exhaustion, "Whew, Just how far is the uterus anyway?" The second sperm begins to laugh and says, " The uterus!? We just past the esophogus."

[sleepy_s13]

lol for the bull and the sperm one.

[S14TEVE]

the first ones fuckin gross but funny haha

[BustedS13]

A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3
ducks and decided to "enforce the laws pending." He stopped the
hunter, flashed his badge and said, "Looks like you've had a pretty
good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?" The hunter shrugged and handed
the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted
his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and
said, "This here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington
state hunting license?" The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly
showed the warden a Washington state hunting license. The warden took
a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it
out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an
Idaho state hunting license?" The hunter, a bit put out, produced an
Idaho state hunting license. The warden took a third duck, conducted
the same finger test, and said, "This here's an Oregon state duck. Do
you have an Oregon state hunting license?" Once again, only this time
more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license. The
warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to
the hunter and said, "You've got all of these licenses, just where the
hell are you from?" The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said
"You're so smart, YOU tell ME!"


hahahahahhaa! poop! hahahahahaha! smell my poop! hahahahahhaha!

another one! lol

An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is nothing."

battle of the sexez! LAWL! hahahahahah! hahaha!

Since no one has said anything about this thread I guess I'll contribute. Here is one I found today:


Two blondes walk into a bar. Sally and Nicky. They each order a drink, and sit down at a table.

They raise a toast, and start cheering, "51 days! 51 days!" After a few minutes, another blonde walks in, Beth, and joins the first two.

They again cheer, "51 days! 51 days!" A few minutes later, a 4th blonde, Melissa, walks in carrying a what looks like a cardboard picture.

She joins the other 3 girls, and toasts as well, "51 days! 51 days!"

The bartender, who's extremely curious, wants to find out. He walks up to the girls and asks what the cheering is all about.

Sally holds up the cardboard picture, which turns out to be a 12 piece puzzle of the Cookie Monster, and says "Everyone says blondes are dumb.

Well we proved them wrong! This puzzle says 2-4 years on the box, and we finished it in 51 days!"


And another:

HER DIARY

Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you too."

When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried.

I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY

Today the Giants lost, but at least I got laid.

blondes are dumb! hahahahaha! dumb bitches! hahahahaha!

also, battle of the sexes again! women write stuff and guys like football! oh my fucking god, can somebody throw in a joke about how black people aren't the same as white people? oh my god so funny! hahahahhaha! haha!


hahahaha! A++++++++ thread would read again! hahahahahah! get it? like ebay ratings! hahahaha!

[full house]

about cock

A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.
Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, DeNephew.

[EvilRB]

http://media1.break.com/dnet/media/2007/7/16jul05-bush-brains.jpg


OMG!!! ROFL!!!!!!

[BustedS13]

Executive Order: Blocking Property of Certain Persons Who Threaten Stabilization Efforts in Iraq




By the authority vested in me as President by the Constitution and the laws of the United States of America, including the International Emergency Economic Powers Act, as amended (50 U.S.C. 1701 et seq.)(IEEPA), the National Emergencies Act (50 U.S.C. 1601 et seq.)(NEA), and section 301 of title 3, United States Code,
I, GEORGE W. BUSH, President of the United States of America, find that, due to the unusual and extraordinary threat to the national security and foreign policy of the United States posed by acts of violence threatening the peace and stability of Iraq and undermining efforts to promote economic reconstruction and political reform in Iraq and to provide humanitarian assistance to the Iraqi people, it is in the interests of the United States to take additional steps with respect to the national emergency declared in Executive Order 13303 of May 22, 2003, and expanded in Executive Order 13315 of August 28, 2003, and relied upon for additional steps taken in Executive Order 13350 of July 29, 2004, and Executive Order 13364 of November 29, 2004. I hereby order:
Section 1. (a) Except to the extent provided in section 203(b)(1), (3), and (4) of IEEPA (50 U.S.C. 1702(b)(1), (3), and (4)), or in regulations, orders, directives, or licenses that may be issued pursuant to this order, and notwithstanding any contract entered into or any license or permit granted prior to the date of this order, all property and interests in property of the following persons, that are in the United States, that hereafter come within the United States, or that are or hereafter come within the possession or control of United States persons, are blocked and may not be transferred, paid, exported, withdrawn, or otherwise dealt in: any person determined by the Secretary of the Treasury, in consultation with the Secretary of State and the Secretary of Defense,
(i) to have committed, or to pose a significant risk of committing, an act or acts of violence that have the purpose or effect of:
(A) threatening the peace or stability of Iraq or the Government of Iraq; or
(B) undermining efforts to promote economic reconstruction and political reform in Iraq or to provide humanitarian assistance to the Iraqi people;
(ii) to have materially assisted, sponsored, or provided financial, material, logistical, or technical support for, or goods or services in support of, such an act or acts of violence or any person whose property and interests in property are blocked pursuant to this order; or
(iii) to be owned or controlled by, or to have acted or purported to act for or on behalf of, directly or indirectly, any person whose property and interests in property are blocked pursuant to this order.
(b) The prohibitions in subsection (a) of this section include, but are not limited to, (i) the making of any contribution or provision of funds, goods, or services by, to, or for the benefit of any person whose property and interests in property are blocked pursuant to this order, and (ii) the receipt of any contribution or provision of funds, goods, or services from any such person.
Sec. 2. (a) Any transaction by a United States person or within the United States that evades or avoids, has the purpose of evading or avoiding, or attempts to violate any of the prohibitions set forth in this order is prohibited.
(b) Any conspiracy formed to violate any of the prohibitions set forth in this order is prohibited.
Sec. 3. For purposes of this order:
(a) the term "person" means an individual or entity;
(b) the term "entity" means a partnership, association, trust, joint venture, corporation, group, subgroup, or other organization; and
(c) the term "United States person" means any United States citizen, permanent resident alien, entity organized under the laws of the United States or any jurisdiction within the United States (including foreign branches), or any person in the United States.
Sec. 4. I hereby determine that the making of donations of the type specified in section 203(b)(2) of IEEPA (50 U.S.C. 1702(b)(2)) by, to, or for the benefit of, any person whose property and interests in property are blocked pursuant to this order would seriously impair my ability to deal with the national emergency declared in Executive Order 13303 and expanded in Executive Order 13315, and I hereby prohibit such donations as provided by section 1 of this order.
Sec. 5. For those persons whose property and interests in property are blocked pursuant to this order who might have a constitutional presence in the United States, I find that, because of the ability to transfer funds or other assets instantaneously, prior notice to such persons of measures to be taken pursuant to this order would render these measures ineffectual. I therefore determine that for these measures to be effective in addressing the national emergency declared in Executive Order 13303 and expanded in Executive Order 13315, there need be no prior notice of a listing or determination made pursuant to section 1(a) of this order.
Sec. 6. The Secretary of the Treasury, in consultation with the Secretary of State and the Secretary of Defense, is hereby authorized to take such actions, including the promulgation of rules and regulations, and to employ all powers granted to the President by IEEPA as may be necessary to carry out the purposes of this order. The Secretary of the Treasury may redelegate any of these functions to other officers and agencies of the United States Government, consistent with applicable law. All agencies of the United States Government are hereby directed to take all appropriate measures within their authority to carry out the provisions of this order and, where appropriate, to advise the Secretary of the Treasury in a timely manner of the measures taken.
Sec. 7. Nothing in this order is intended to affect the continued effectiveness of any rules, regulations, orders, licenses, or other forms of administrative action issued, taken, or continued in effect heretofore or hereafter under 31 C.F.R. chapter V, except as expressly terminated, modified, or suspended by or pursuant to this order.
Sec. 8. This order is not intended to, and does not, create any right, benefit, or privilege, substantive or procedural, enforceable at law or in equity by any party against the United States, its departments, agencies, instrumentalities, or entities, its officers or employees, or any other person.
GEORGE W. BUSH
THE WHITE HOUSE,
July 17, 2007.


hahahhaha, get it? he can take your stuff! hahhaha!

[SexPanda]

Im pretty sure they always could. Ive researched it too. Its legal as far as I can tell.

Oh but i did hear a good, if not a little stupid, joke today. I laughed.

What did the horse say to the elephant?
>
>
>
"Hey, your cocks in the wrong place"

[EvilRB]

What did the horse say to the elephant?
>
>
>
"Hey, your cocks in the wrong place"



HHHHAAAAAAAHHHHAAAA Good one! I wonder if an elephant would ever say that to me??!! I can dream can't I?!!!!

Or no but your Mom did!!!!! OHHH!!!!!!!!!!!


Sorry kinda small kine drunk right now but still funny!

[BustedS13]

HHHHAAAAAAAHHHHAAAA Good one! I wonder if an elephant would ever say that to me??!!

:rofl::rofl:

[EvilRB]

LOL I just read this again HHAAHHHAAA i was really drunk last night!! It dosen't even make sense what I wrote!!

[full house]

Female jokes

Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is 24 hours a day/seven days a week?
A: A widow.

lol

[EvilRB]

Once there were three men, Dave, John, and Sam, who were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died.

As they stood at the gates of heaven St. Peter came up to them and said, "You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly."

St. Peter looked at Dave and said, "You, Dave, were a bad man. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat up Dodge."

Next St. Peter looked at John and said, "You, were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota station wagon."

St. Peter finally looked at Sam, and said, "You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife! For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari."

A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam's Ferrari and there he is, sitting on the hood, head in hands, crying.

"What's wrong, Sam?" they asked. "You got the Ferrari! You are set forever! Why so down?"

Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and cried, "I just saw my wife go by on a skate board."

[Farzam]

I skate for Satan.

[<///><]

I got a good one...

Team EmoTard

[full house]

here college joke


Teachers
Three college professors were driving down the highway at a very slow speed. A policeman pulled them over and explained that driving so slowly on the highway could be hazardous. The driver pointed out the sign that read "20." He explained that he was going 20 mph because of the sign. The policeman pointed out that the sign indicated they were driving on Highway 20.
Somewhat embarrassed the professor apologize and promised to be more observant.
As the policeman turn to walk back to his car, he noticed the other two professors on the floor ...looking scared to death! He asked the driver, "What's wrong with them?"
The driver replied, "We just turned off Highway 105."

[SexPanda]

Lmfao thats a good one.

Tod was having trouble sleeping one night. He walked into the kitchen to get a glass of water. Suddenly he heard what sounded like a sneeze coming from the refridgerator. Perplexed, he opened the refridgerator and saw a jar of mayo and a bottle of katsup. Just then, the mayo started to scream "it was the Katsup, it was the Katsup!"

Tod was startled. How could an inanimate object do that? It wasnt possible. He calmed himself down, and went back to bed. To this day, he believes the sneeze he heard was all in his mind.

[FRpilot]

hopefully this gets me some positive rep... haha



Girls night out

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

[full house]

I was great! A little bit of green joke!
'

read this one. baseball in heaven

Earl and Bob, both obsessed with baseball, never missed their favorite team’s game. They promised, whoever died first, and went to heaven, would come back to earth and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven. One day, Earl died. Bob waited for him to come back. Finally Earl did. He said to Bob. "I have good news and bad news. I'll tell you the good news first. There is baseball in heaven." Bob said, "That’s the best news!" Then Earl said, time for the bad news....”You're pitching tomorrow night."

[Okinawandrifter87]

hahaha both of those were funny!!

[full house]

lawyer joke

A young guy walks into a post office and sees a middle–aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and sprays scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the best of him, the guy goes up to the man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, “I’m sending out a thousand Valentine cards signed, “Guess who?”
“But why?” Asked the young guy.
“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the bald man replied.

[viscid240]

Voodoo Penis
A certain married couple had a very healthy sex life. They had sex everyday; in the shower, on the kitchen counter, everywhere imaginable. In fact the wife was somewhat of a nymphomaniac.
One day the husband announced that he would be going on a week-long business trip. Deciding that she couldn't go the week without sex she decided to visit a sex shop after she dropped him off at the airport. She was looking at the selections of dildo's and could not find what she was looking for. She asked the man at the counter if he had anything really special. The man hesistated, looked around the shop, and took a deep breath, "I really shouldn't be showing you this, but you look like a very special lady." He took an old looking wooden box out from under the counter and removed the lid. As the woman looked inside she announced that it was just like any other in the store. The man said, "Ah, but you see, it most certainly is not! It is the voodoo penis and all you have to do is say "voodoo penis" and then where ever you want it to go." The man decided to demonstrate the powers of the "voodoo penis". He commanded, "VOODOO PENIS, THE DOOR!" The dildo rose from the box and began its work on the door. The door began to buckle and sway. Splinters of wood flew around the room. The man yelled, "Voodoo Penis, return to the box!" The woman was so impressed with it she bought it right away and took it straight home.
The woman, excited to try it, undressed and commanded, "Voodoo Penis my crotch!" The penis went straight to pumping. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she decided that it was enough, only she had forgotten how to return it to the box. After tugging for what seemed like hours, she decided to drive to the hospital for help.
She put her clothes back on and began to drive, quivering with each thrust of the dildo. After one intense orgasm she swerved all over the road. A policeman ,seeing this, pulled her over, and asked her if she had had something to drink.
She replied that she had a voodoo penis stuck in her crotch and it would not stop screwing her. The policeman smiled and in an arrogant tone of voice said, "Voodoo Penis, My ASS!"

[viscid240]

The piss test

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

[EvilRB]

http://www.clumsycrooks.com/media/files3/pictures/letter_of_the_day.jpg

And Another One!!

A woman in her fifties is at home happily jumping unclothed on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year old."

The husband replies, What did he say about your 55 year old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

Blonde joke!

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were robbing a supermarket when a police officer walked in the store.

The three women decide to hide in three potato sacks.
The cop kicks the first bag, and the brunette says, "meow", the cop says, "oh, its only a cat"
He kicks the second bag, and the redhead says, "woof, woof". The cop says, "its only a dog".
He kicks the third bag, and the blonde says, "potato"

I call this one "Divorce"

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place...

Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!

Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

[cashmoney197]

i got a joke for you

womens rights









whats the difference between santa clause, the easter bunny, and womens rights?

nothing, none of them exist




why did the woman cross the road?

whats does it matter, why was she out of the kitchen in the first place





what do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothin, you done told her twice.






What's strong enough for a man, but made for a woman?
The back of my hand.







why cant women ski?

because theres no snow between the bedroom and the kitchen.

[SINxSELEKTAH]

An old mexican man lived alone in East Los Angeles. He wanted to spade
his garden, but it was very hard work.

His only son, Jose, who used to help him,was in prison. The old man
wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.


Dear Jose:

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant
my garden this year. I'm just too old to be digging up a garden. If you
were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the
garden for me.

Tu Padre



A few days later, he received a letter from his son



Dear Papa:

Por Dios, Papa, don't dig up the garden. That's where I buried all
my drugs and money.

Tu hijo,
Jose



At 6 a.m. the next morning, the L.A. Sheriffs showed up and dug up the
entire area without finding any drugs or money. They apologized to the
old man and left. That same day, the old man received another letter
from his son.



Dear Papa:

Go ahead and plant your garden now, papa. It's the best I could do
under the circumstances.

Love,
Jose

[Okinawandrifter87]

http://www.clumsycrooks.com/media/files3/pictures/letter_of_the_day.jpg

And Another One!!

A woman in her fifties is at home happily jumping unclothed on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year old."

The husband replies, What did he say about your 55 year old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

Blonde joke!

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were robbing a supermarket when a police officer walked in the store.

The three women decide to hide in three potato sacks.
The cop kicks the first bag, and the brunette says, "meow", the cop says, "oh, its only a cat"
He kicks the second bag, and the redhead says, "woof, woof". The cop says, "its only a dog".
He kicks the third bag, and the blonde says, "potato"

I call this one "Divorce"

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place...

Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!

Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.




hahaha omg this was hella funny!! Posi rep for you my friend

[PRADOgy]

have you guys heard from the guy who lost his left side..... well............... he's all RIGHT now..


any one ever see that movie constipated..?
must have never came out

[drifting_changed_mylife]

A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house.

She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Mike loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights , put on a romantic CD, laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

[C. Senor]

i like this one.

Sam wakes up at home with a huge hangover. Forcing him to open his eyes, the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and notices his clothes in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, all spotless and clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table, "Sweetheart, your breakfast is on the stove. I had to leave early to go shopping. Love you." So, he goes to the kitchen and, sure enough, there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is sitting at the table, eating. "What happened last night, son?" Sam asks. His son replies, "Well, you came home after 3:00 AM, very drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door." Confused, Sam asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, 'Lady, leave me alone. I'm married'," his son replies.

[full house]

Anyone where do some of this things in inside the store?

hahaha!!! this is funny!!! :lol:


This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.
DON'T TAKE ME IF I DON'T WANT TO GO...........

After Mr. And Mrs. Rick O'Brien retired, Mrs. O'Brien insisted her
husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.

Unfortunately, Mr. Rick O'Brien was like most men--he found shopping boring
And preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunate, Mrs. O'Brien was like most women--she loved to
Browse.

One day Mrs. O'Brien received the
following letter from her local
Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Rick O'Brien,

Over the past six months, your husband, Rick, has been causing quite a
Commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be
Forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr.
Rick O'Brien are listed below and are documented by our video Surveillance
Cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5
Minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
Voice, "Code 3 in Housewares - get on it right away."

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of
M&M's on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted
Area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told
Other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows
And blankets from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
Crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"


9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as
A mirror while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he
Asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly
Humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna
Look" by using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
Through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
Assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES
AGAIN!"

And last, but not least,

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
Awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper
In here!"


:keke::keke::keke:



:bowrofl::bowrofl::bowrofl::x::x::x:

[full house]

Q: What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
A: A Yamahahaha

[PRADOgy]

How does a mexican motorcycle start..?
:turn key:
CAAAAAAABROOOOOOOOnpinchiputopinchiputopinchiputo

[240sx_sr20det]

Maybe I can get some Pos rep! Here you go!

Osama Bin Laden and George Bush are on an island together and they stumble across a Magic Lamp. Out comes the Genie and says, "You each have one wish."

Osama thinks to himself and responds, "I wish to have my country blocked off from the rest of the world!"

The Genie responds, "As you wish, I have put up walls around your country. It is now secluded from the rest of the world."

George Bush thinks a bit and then says, "Genie, tell me about these walls.."

The Genie responds, "They are 100ft high and 20ft thick, with no windows or doors. No one can enter or leave the country.."

Bush says, "Ehh, fill it with water..."

[Drift Motion]

man i love the wal mart one!!!
i read it before, made my stomach hurt so bad...
good read

[5t341tH]

thnks guys for the good laughs. ill +rep the funny ones only :)

[240sx_sr20det]

Heres one that made me laugh...

So there is this lady and lives in downtown Philly. Shes walking back to her house from work and gets caught up in a shootout. Next thing she knows, she is waking up under the bright white lights, and frantically asks the nurse what has happened. The nurse tells her she was shot in the stomach three times. The thing is, the lady was pregnant with triplets, but the nurse states that the babies are fine and will grow up with no problems.
16 years later....
"Momma, Momma!" Yells one of the 16 year old daughters..

"Whats wrong?!" Responds the mother.
"I was taking a pee, and a bullet came out!"

So the mother explains the story and the girl goes off.

15 minutes later..

"Momma, momma!" Yells the second daughter..

"What is it hunny?!" The mother responds.

"I was taking a pee and a bullet came out!"

The mother, again, explains the story to her daughter.

10 minutes later..

"Momma, momma!!" Yells her son..

"Let me guess, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out..." says the mother.

"No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"


I don't know, this one made me laugh at work the other day. Hope you guys get a kick out of it!

[full house]

Embarrassing Situations!
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" By now, the entire bar is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!"

[EvilRB]

5 rules for men to follow in order to be happy

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.

[Mathetai]

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell. Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

"It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate.

"Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated!

How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"

God just shrugged and said,

"JESUS SAVES"

[Okinawandrifter87]

5 rules for men to follow in order to be happy

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.

Hahahah lmao on this one def a posi rep for you :rofl:

[full house]

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and with a glint in his eye said "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married."
"Why not," giggles the woman.
"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket.

[drifting_changed_mylife]

this ones pretty funny
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her,
so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment
unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him
in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun,
and as she does so, she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

[full house]

hahaha lol

that was funny!

try this one!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Alex
Alex who?
Alexplain later now let me in.

[EvilRB]

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.

"O.K. Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.

"No, no boyfriend either."

"Do you have a partner then?"

"No, I'm not attached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman, "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black."

"Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porn film. The lead man was black."

"Oh, I`m very sorry," says the midwife, "that`s really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy."

"Oh, I`m sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business either and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes."

"Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."

At this, the midwife again apologises, collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on the butt.

The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank god for that!"

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.

"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark."

[full house]

cool dude lol!

another joke

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare & walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition.' Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, "Clean my house."

[EvilRB]

Drunk jokes

Hangover Ratings


* 1-star hangover

No pain. No real feeling of illness. You sleep in your own bed and when you wake up, there are no traffic cones in there with you.

You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those vodka and Red Bulls. However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara.

Even vegetarians crave a cheeseburger and a basket of fries.

** 2-star hangover

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler.

The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast.

Although you have a nice demeanor at the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the Net and writing junk e-mail.

*** 3-star hangover

Slight headache. Stomach feels like crap. You are definitely a space cadet and not so productive.

Anytime someone walks by your desk you gag because the perfume/aftershave reminds you of the random shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m.

Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen doughnuts and a two-liter bottle of Coke, watching daytime TV.

You've had four cups of coffee, a gallon of water, two burritos, and a two-liter bottle of Diet Coke, yet you haven't peed once.

**** 4-star hangover

You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might spew.

Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze.

You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks and can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving.

Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from a second-grade class, circa 1976.

You would give a week's pay for one of the following: home time, a doughnut and somewhere to be alone, or a time machine so that you can go back to last night and change the fact that you went out.

You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.

***** 5-star hangover

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee sitting next to you.

Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.

You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth.

Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you.

You'd cry but that would take the last drop of moisture left in your body.

Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic.

You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe... very gently.

****** 6-star hangover

You arrive home and climb into bed.

Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi.

You get about two hours of sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up.

You notice that your bed has been cleared for takeoff and is flying relentlessly around the room.

No matter what you do now, you're going to vomit.

You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht, fully sailing. After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls, knocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet.

If you are lucky, you remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls.

You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting and farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short-lived.

With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died down to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't relent.

You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils shoot out of your mouth on the last occasion.

It is now dawn and you pass by your disgusted partner getting up for the day, as you try to climb into bed. She abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair.

You reluctantly accept her advice and take a shower. Work is simply not an option.

The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make you sick again, like moving.

You vow never to touch a drop of alcohol again, and who knows, for the next two or three hours you might even succeed.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Guinness

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.

"I've somethin' to tell ya".

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Drunken Fools

Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building- by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The 2nd Man says: "What are you a nut? There is no way in heck that could happen."

1st Man: "No, it's true let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."

1st Man: "No, I'll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.

2nd Man: "Well what the heck, it works, I'll try it." So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'

Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker:

"You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One Too Many?

A man decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.

A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

[EvilRB]

Blonde jokes

Ice Fishing

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing.
She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake.
After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." Startled the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino and began to cut another.

Again from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." The blonde, now quite worried, moved down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

She stopped, looked skyward and said, "Is that you Lord?"

The voice replied, "No ... this is the Ice-Rink Manager...."

__________________________________________________ _________

Flight to New York

On a plane bound for New York, the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she moves to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving." Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her.

He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."

The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?"

Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.

He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

__________________________________________________ _________

Blonde Breathalyzer Test

"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am. Could I see your drivers license?"

"What's a license???" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.

"It's usually in your wallet," replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. "Now may I see your registration?" asked the cop.

"Registration..... what's that....?" asked the blonde.

"It's usually in your glove compartment." said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration.

"I'll be back in a minute." said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back, "Ummm... is this woman driving a red sports car?"

"Yes." replied the officer

"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher

"Uh... yes." replied the cop.

"Here's what you do." said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants."

"What!!? I can't do that. Its... inappropriate." exclaimed the cop.

"Trust me. Just do it." said the dispatcher.

So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.

The blonde looks down and sighs..... "Ohh no... not another breathalyzer......"

__________________________________________________ _________________

Blonde's Y2K

TO: Boss
FROM: Blondie
RE: Changing Calendars from Y2K

I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all of the company calendars for next year. The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months:

Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk

I also changed all the days of each week to:

Sundak
Mondak
Tuesdak
Wednesdak
Thursdak
Fridak
Saturdak
We are now Y to K compliant. Have a nice dak!!!

[EvilRB]

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".

[jdm538]

haha! that is great i will pass these around.

thanks

[EvilRB]

Things you shouldnt say to a cop when he pulls you over...

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you that guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must have been doin' at least 120 mph to keep up with me...Good job!
5. Excuse me...is stick up hyphenated?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a cop
7. I almost decided to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead
8. Bad cop! No donut!
9. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
10. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
11. Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on COPS?
12. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.
13. Is it true that people become cops because they're too dumb to work at McDonald's?
14. I pay your salary!
15. So, uh, you on the take, or what?
16. Gee, Officer...that's terrific...the last officer only gave me a warning too!
17. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
18. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around -
that's how far ahead of me they are.
19. What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.
20. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and
got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
21. Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 Magnum.
22. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

Signs That You Are Too Drunk...

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Job interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
You can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
You fall off the floor...
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you
fell asleep clothed. - hmm.
The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine,
Alcohol, and Women.
Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and
more attractive.
Roseanne looks good.
Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
I'm as jober as a sudge.
The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.

Beer Troubleshooting....

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

125 things never to say during sex....

1) is it in?
2) that's it?
3) you've got to be kidding me.
4) (phone rings) hello? oh nothing and you?
5) do I have to pay for this?
6) do I have to call you tomorrow?
7) oh momma, momma!
8) oh dadda, dadda!
9) you look better in the dark.
10) this is much better than my last girl/boyfriend.
11) I thought that goes in the other hole....
12) don't tell my husband/wife.
13) you have the same bra my mom does (worse if the girl says it) .
14) this sucks.
15) can you finish now? I have a meeting...
16) I hope you don't expect a raise for this...
17) I think you might get the job for this.
18) damn! is that all you know what to do.
19) did I tell you, I have herpes?
20) now we must get married.
21) hurry up, the games about to start.
22) I'm hungry.
23) I'm thirsty.
24) zzzzzzzzzzzz.
25) are you trying to be funny?
26) can I have a ride home after this?
27) are those real?
28) by the way, I want to break up.
29) is that smell coming from you?
30) haven't you ever done this before?
31) wow!! I've never seen those before (then grope wildly) .
32) do you know what some female spiders do after sex?
33) you're so much like your sister....
34) your mom's cute.
35) what's your name again?
36) do I have to be here in the morning?
37) a second time? I barely stayed awake the first time!
38) but you just started!!
39) you're about as good as a 9 year old, and I should know!!
40) don't touch that!!
41) can we order a pizza?
42) I think my dad is listening at the door.
43) smile for the camera, honey!!!
44) take off that damn monkey glove!!
45) get your hand out of there!!
46) I think the condom broke 10 minutes ago.
47) I knew you wore a padded bra!!
48) cover me boys, I'm going in!!!
49) DIVE! DIVE! DIVE!
50) Fire one!
51) God, that is small!!
52) hold on, let me change the channel...
53) who smells like fish?
54) is it O.K. if my mom (and/or dad) joins in?
55) your best-friend does it much better.
56) hope you don't mind I left my boots on.
57) hurry up, the motor's runnin'.
58) you're fogging up the wind-shield.
59) can I borrow 5 bucks?
60) what the hell noise was that?!
61) stop moaning, you sound so stupid.
62) shut up, bitch! (worse if the girl says it)
63) you know, you're not really attractive.
64) I'm sorry, I was not listening.
65) what, oh yea, I love you too, now let me concentrate!!
66) stop interrupting me!!
67) I have to take a shit.
68) did I leave the iron on?
69) your breath is funky.
70) (start singing Green Day) .
71) is it O.K. if I call someone, its O.K. though, keep going....
72) its OK honey, I can imagine that its bigger.
73) god I wish you were a real woman.
74) why can't you ever shave your legs?
75) by the way, when I drove over here, I ran over your dog....
76) oh Susan, Susan... I mean donna.... shit.
77) your breast milk is like my mom's....
78) you're hairy!!
79) your "happy trail" led me to a dead end.
80) is it O.K. if I never see you again?
81) did I forget to tell you I got worms from my cat?
82) don't make that face at me!
83) all of a sudden I have a headache.
84) you're boring.
85) I like your tits.
86) suck my dick, bitch.
87) how much do I owe you?
88) How come we each have a penis?
89) of course you can't be on top, you're too fat, you'll kill me!
90) your ass is hairy (the guy says this) .
91) just use your finger, its bigger.
92) does your family have to watch?
93) we'll try again later when you can satisfy me too.
94) get off me, I'll do it myself!!!!
95) can you hold this sandwich for me?
96) you're as soft as a sheep, inside and out.
97) the only reason I'm doing this is because I'm drunk.
98) my mom taught me this.....
99) how cute... peach fuzz!
100) Damn girl! my tits are bigger than your's!
101) should I ask why you're bleeding?
102) this is my pet rat, Larry....
103) if you can't do it, I'll find someone else who can!
104) I haven't had this much sex since I was a hooker!
105) I was once a woman...
106) wanna see me take out my glass eye?
107) no I don't love your mind, I can't grab that!!
108) is it O.K. if I tell my friends about this?
109) I'm sobering up and you're getting ugly!
110) you wanted me to use a condom?
111) you're no better than my brother!!
112) mooooo!!
113) Fire in the hole!!!
114) I wanna see how many quarters I can fit in there.
115) hurry up, I'm late for a date.
116) O.K. start...oh! that feels so... YOU'RE DONE??!!
117) you ever see basic instinct?
118) I'm out of condoms, can I use a sock?
119) don't squirm, you'll spill my beer.
120) Did I tell you where my cold sore came from?
121) you got boogies showing.
122) (start reciting the 10 commandments) .
123) I think I just shit on your bed.
124) of course I don't love you.
125) let me spell it out for you, b-r-e-a-t-h m-i-n-t

[bardabe]

Body: WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote
control for a television set in her purse."So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked."No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to
him legally."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand
women.I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with
communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,"It is
essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."He
addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"Tom leaned
over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't
it?

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the
aisles.The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.He
answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs
him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of
cottonballs and a ball of string on the counter.She says, confused, "Sir, I
thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?He answers, "You
see, it's like this,yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a
carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobaccoand some
rollingpapers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.So, I figure if I
have to roll my own .......... so does she.(I figure this guy is the one on
the milk carton!)

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not
saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of
them wanted to concede their position.As they passed a barnyard of mules,
goats, and pigs,the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of
yours?""Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

WORDSA husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...30,000 to a man's 15,000.The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to
his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. "The wife responded, "Allow
me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God
made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should
brew the coffee each morning.The wife said, "You should do it because you
get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee. The
husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do
it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife
replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the
man should do the coffee."Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show
me."So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him
at the top of several pages, that it indeed says ........."HEBREWS"

The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at homeand
were giving each other the silent treatment.Suddenly, the man realized that
the next day, he would need his wife to wake himat 5:00 AM for an early
morning business flight.Not wanting to be the first to break the silence
(and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM."He
left it where he knew she would find it.The next morning, the man woke up,
only to discover it was 9:00 AM.and he had missed his flight Furious, he
was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,when he noticed a
piece of paper bythe bed.The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." Men are
not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman, but there is always arough draft
before the masterpiece.

[thejapino]

Q. What do you do with 365 USED condoms?






A. Melt them down, use the rubber to make a tire, and call it a GOODYEAR!



--------------------------------------------------------------------------



Jon and Claire, a married couple have been having sexual problems. She is unhappy that he is unable to last very long in bed. It gets so bad that Jon decides to see a sex therapist without his wife knowing. The therapist diagnoses the problem to be anxiety and tells Jon to masturbate within an hour before intercourse to desensitize him and therefore make him last longer during sex. Easy enough.

One day at about 4:30pm, Claire calls Jon at his work and starts talking dirty to him. She tells him that she's horny and is waiting for the moment he gets home. They end the call and immediately Jon starts thinking about how and where he could do his deed. He can't risk using the employee bathroom b/c someone would hear him. He could get fired.

On the way home, Jon thinks about stopping somewhere private like a motel but doesn't like that idea of having his wife at home waiting for him. He wants to get home as quickly as possible. Desperately, Jon comes up with a plan!

He decides to pull over and and crawl under his car as if he was fixing something and jack off right there. Brilliant.

He gets under his car and starts doing his thing. He gets caught up in the moment and closes his eyes and imagines making love to his wife, completely shutting out the world. He's about to finish when he feels a tugging on his leg. Not wanting to stop, he decides to keep going while imagining his wife riding him.

A voice says, "Excuse me sir, what are you doing?"

"Im checking my Unlimited Slip Differential, uh, im almost done..." says Jon

"Well you should check your parking brake too because your car is rolling down the street!"

[thejapino]

A blonde is driving down a country road when her car starts to shake and sputter. She barely makes it to a gas station/repair shop before her car completely dies. She asks the mechanic to look at her car and fix the problem.

"Ah, here we go" says the mechanic, "here's your problem... shit in the carburator!"

The blonde says, "Oh, and how often am I supposed to do that?"

[EvilRB]

My Favorite one yet!


HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

The student got an A.

[MrMcgarrett]

LITTLE TONY FROM BROOKLYN ON MATH

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you
shoot one of them, how many will be left ?" She calls on little TONY.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU."

"There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately
licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling
down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the
ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is the one with the
wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."


LITTLE TONY ON MATH

Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father?

"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3,' " I said "6", replies TONY.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2 ?"

"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"



LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH

Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to
learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?"

TONY says, "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful."

Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."


LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR


Little TONY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go
to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss !!"

The teacher replied, 'Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this
situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the
word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you
had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"



LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of
hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence
twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my
mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

She said, "Excellent, Michael !" Then the teacher reluctantly called on
little TONY.

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was
pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!'"


LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER

Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after
another.

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know
eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your
teeth, and make you fat."

Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business."

[Andrew Bohan]

two blondes were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks.


the first blonde said "oh these are deer tracks!"

the second blonde said "no no these are rabbit tracks!!"






then they argued about it until the train hit them.

[Matej]

A drunk man carrying a bottle of vodka in his pants pocket is trying to find his way home.

While attempting to cross an intersection, he gets hit by car.

As he lays there on the ground, he feels something liquid running down his leg.

Terrified, he dramatically raises his fists to the sky and screams, "OH GOD, PLEASE LET THAT BE BLOOD!"

[SexPanda]

The 2 things you never, ever want to hear in life:

1. You have 2 weeks to live, I'm sorry.
2. I have to tell you something: I'm Chris Hanson with Dateline NBC...

[EvilRB]

A college philosophy professor, who was known to be a bit of an eccentric, decided to have only one question on his final exam. The professor picked up his chair and set it down on top of his desk, and asked the class to write an essay proving that the chair did not exist.

After a few moments, one student stood up and handed in his essay.

The answer read, "What chair?"

[thejapino]

Q. If a girl with nice tits can work for HOOTERS, than where

does a girl with one leg work at??





A. IHOP :hsdance:

[max2damax]

Here is my joke..... Bush is not that smart :keke:
Maybe I can get some Pos rep! Here you go!

Osama Bin Laden and George Bush are on an island together and they stumble across a Magic Lamp. Out comes the Genie and says, "You each have one wish."

Osama thinks to himself and responds, "I wish to have my country blocked off from the rest of the world!"

The Genie responds, "As you wish, I have put up walls around your country. It is now secluded from the rest of the world."

George Bush thinks a bit and then says, "Genie, tell me about these walls.."

The Genie responds, "They are 100ft high and 20ft thick, with no windows or doors. No one can enter or leave the country.."

Bush says, "Ehh, fill it with water..."

[DRavenS13]

A blonde is driving down the road, and sees another blonde trying to row a boat through an open field. She gets angry, pulls over, and gets out of the car.

She starts to shout to the blonde in the boat: "What the hell are you doing??? You're so stupid!!! You make other blondes like me look bad!!!! If I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and kick your ass!!!!!"



What's the difference between a blonde and a 747?

Not everyone's been on a 747.



A blonde just buys a new sports car. She's driving around crazy, and cuts off a semi. The truck driver catches up to her, and motions for her to pull over. She does. He gets out, grabs some chalk, draws a circle, and tell her to stand in it. Again, she complies. He goes back into the truck, gets a knife, and starts ripping up her leather seats. He turns around and sees that she's smiling. He goes back to the truck, gets a baseball bat, and starts smashing out her windows and denting up the car. He turns to her again, and now she's laughing. He grabs the knife again, slashes her tires, and now she's completely busting up. He goes over to her and says, "I'm destroying your car. What the hell is so funny?"

She says, "Every time you turned around, I stepped out of the circle."

[EvilRB]

An 18 year old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You try again."

[EvilRB]

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer,

"This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks,

"Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of an ice cream store.

"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

[DRavenS13]

This Latino couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although he was very much in love,couldn't wait to go into town and party with his old buddies, so he said to his wife:
"Preciosa, I'll be right back"
"Where are you going papi chulo? asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, Mamasita. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife says to him, "You want a beer, mi amor?"
Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries:
"Mira papi, Germany , Holland , Japan , India "
The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is:
"Yes mi mujer linda.... but the bar... you know.... the frozen glass...."
He didn't finish the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, mi precioso?" She takes a huge beer mug out of the freezer so frozen that she was getting chills holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale says: "Yes, mi dulce, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious....I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise, OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, cariño...?" She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But querida.....at the bar....you know....the swearing....the dirty words and all that"
"You want dirty words, mi macho hombre.....HERE, TOMA TU PINCHE CERVEZA IN YOUR FROZEN FUCKING COPA AND COMETE TUS PINCHE SNACKS, PORQUE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE!!!!! GOT IT, PENDEJO......?!?!?!?"

translation for those that don't speak spanish- here is your fucken beer, in your frozen fucken glass and eat your fucken snacks.....

[officer farva]

most of those made me lol


this will help those long work days, some pretty funny shit on here


http://www.maximonline.com/jokes/