Dear GOD, I would NEVER buy a voodoo knob! Listen to what happened to this poor fella...
Message: #502363, S/15 Miataville
Date: Mon, Dec 11, 1995 09:49<img src="http://www.zilvia.net/f/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/wow.gif" border="0" valign="absmiddle" alt=':0'>7
Subject: Dog-gone VooDoo knob!
From: Delbert U. Dykes 73160,3361
To: 72727,2340
Deer Mr. Kangarooger,
I am writing this heer letter to you because this morning I had me a
reel bad problem with one of them polished aloominum VooDoo shift nobs of yours
and we need to get something worked out and so that is what this heer letter is
all about.
The problem all started when I went out to get in my Miater and go to
work. Like most guys I am reel fond of my Miater and over the yeers I have
commenced to doing a few things that other people who don't have one of these
little cars might find somewhat pecoolyer but seeing as how you have a Miater
yourseff you probably won't because you know how we get. This pecoolyer thing
I do in my case is, whenever I go out first thing in the morning I like to say
''Good Morning`` to my Miater and give her a little kiss. For the first couple
years I kissed her on her nose but heer lately my gararge has gotten kind of
full on account of the 1959 Edsel I am restoring in there, and so I have been
parking the Miater outside. Now I have to admit, I am not one of them annual
retentive guys who keeps his Miater all shined up like new, and sometimes the
bird poop that acoomalates from me parking under that old tree by my gararge
gets pretty bad. In fact it gets so bad that my little morning kissing rityall
was sometimes leaving an unpleasint taste in my mouth, if you catch my drift.
So a couple months ago I started thinking about finding me a different place to
give my sweetie her morning smooch.
Well I never did come up with me a better place until about a week ago
when the Ups man brought me the new VooDoo nob what I had ordered from that
Brain-Fade outfit down there in Atlanta. As I was screwing my new nob on the
stick shift it hit me that this would be the perfect place to plant a ''Good
Morning'` kiss! After all the nob sits pretty much right in the heart of the
car, and being it is inside it stays nice and clean, specially since my hand
always keeps it wiped off reel nice. I decided right then and there that I had
just looked for a clean kissing spot on the outside of the car for the last
time, I guess you could say it was a case of VooDoo being preferable to DooDoo,
ha ha ha.
Anyway to get back to my problem, ever morning when I go to work I like
to put my briefcase in the trunk so right after I unlock my door I always lean
inside and pop open the trunk lid using the remote release deal I mounted in
that little bin between the seats a couple years back. While I am all bent
over like that it is reel easy to lean up and plant a quick wet one right on
top of my VooDoo nob. So that is what I have been doing. And I would have to
say this heer new rootine has worked out reel good even if I do say it myself,
well right up until this morning anyway. You see last night it got down to
about 8 dergrees and whenever I went to give my Miater her kiss this morning,
I'll be dad-gum if my tongue didn't stick right to that polished aloominum
VooDoo shift nob!
Right heer I need to say something, and what it is is, I hope you don't
go getting no wrong ideas about me on account of what I just said. You might
think its kind of funny that it would be my tongue that got stuck to the nob,
instead of say just my lips. I mean, since it was my tongue, you might go to
thinking I must be some kind of prevert and was practicing some kind of weerd
unnatcheral act on my Miater's shift nob. Well I want to assure you that was
not the case. No sir! I will admit there has been a time or two in my life
when I was pretty bad off about wanting some female company but I ain't never
been so hard up that I'd go around french kissing a shift nob. Of course I
have to admit that it has been sort of lonely around the old Double-Wide here
lately, on account my wife ran off and left me a few months back because I was
spending more time and money on that old Edsel than I was on her. If you saw
my wife you would unnerstand why. You may have heerd people say the front of
an Edsel looks like a `58 Oldsmobile sucking on a lemon but I am heer to tell
you, that car is a lot more attractive than my wife ever thought about being.
In fact I once tried to pick up some quick extra money by entering her in an
Ugly Woman contest down at this bar I go to, only the guy up on the stage took
one look at her and refused to take my entry fee on account he was afraid it
might look like the contest was rigged, but that's another story so never mind
about that.
Anyway what I was trying to tell you is, the reason it was my tongue
what got stuck instead of just my lips is because the driveway was reel slick
after ever thing froze up last night, and when I was leaning in the car my foot
slipped and I ended up almost swallering that silly shift nob. That's how it
happened. Really.
Well as you may have guessed since I am able to write this heer letter,
I did manage to get my tongue unstuck, but it weren't easy. It was acterally
not so bad fishing my keys out of my jacket pocket and starting the engine and
turning on the heeter, but it was right embarrassing to stand there with my
butt sticking out the car door while I waited the 20 minutes it took for the
inside of the car to get warm enough so's my tongue would come loose. I am
sure all the people in the apartment building across the road got theirselves a
reel good show as they went off to work this morning.
What I want to know now is, just what are you going to do to keep an
unfortunate incerdent like this from happening again? It seems to me the very
least you could do is put some kind of warning label on top of your nob, after
all there is lots of room, seeing how you are too damn cheap to put the shift
pattern on it. Or maybe instead of aluminum you could use some kind of metal
that human tongues won't stick to. Anyway you sure do need to do something,
and fast. Don't worry I ain't going to report you to the goverrmint because I
ain't that kind of guy, but the next person this happens to might not be as
unnerstanding. Well that is all I have to say about this so bye.
Sinceriously,
Delbert U. Dykes
p.s. If you can't figure out how to keep peoples tongues from sticking to your
nobs, the least you could do is make them taste better. My personal favorite
is chocolate but then it hardly matters since I alreddy got my VooDoo nob, and
after what happened this morning I'd have to be pretty stupid to buy another
one now wouldn't I.
p.m.s. I know that some companies give out rewards to people who have good
ideas for improving their products, if your company has a policy like that you
can just e-mail me the check.