I feel pretty dumb right now, but it turns out my valves aren't bent. It was a series of coincidences that led me to believe they were fucked, so let me explain.
when I tried to start it, I said I heard that "awful noise" so I went to check it out before I tried again(seriously, it sounded like my valvetrain exploded. I actually have a video so see for yourself
https://drive.google.com/open?id=1NT...xUvf697bwH25_9 ). I cranked see if it was super difficult, just as a simple way to see if my valves were bent. I could barely move it all. At that point I already thought they were done for, so I pulled the cover off to check the timing. For some reason, I thought that because the dark links weren't lining up with the sprocket marks that the timing was off(that was stupid but i wasn't thinking straight because I thought I just destroyed my engine), even though what really matters is the number of links between the marks.
So today I went out to fully check out my engine, and when I was in the garage I noticed a 27mm socket in my driveway. Thats when I realized the terrible noise I heard wasn't my engine, but my ratchet, which I had left on the crank when I went to start it the second time. At that point It occurred to me that I couldn't be sure the timing was off at all, so I went to crank it to TDC. Removed spark plugs but still wouldn't move very easily, which had me very worried, but I figured it my valves were already bent so whats the harm in bending them some more, so I cranked it to TDC, timing was correct. I was trying to figure out why it was so hard to crank, and then I thought about the smoke I saw coming from my power steering pump, so I thought maybe the power steering pump was seized or broken. Went to check, and sure enough, the bolt behind the PS pump pulley had backed out, and was preventing it from moving. Put the bolt back in, pump turned fine so I put the belt back on, put the valvecover back on, turned the key and it started right up!
In the end, what I thought were bent valves turned out to be a flying ratchet and a loose bolt. You live and learn, right? thanks again brndck and jedi