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You're not going to hear anything when you bend the valves.. it's gonna happen in less than 1 second. there is no marbles in the engine sound, there is no off noises.. you can crank the car over, it sound perfectly fine, and bend every single valve. I know personally from experience. I did the headgasket on my eclipse, put the exhaust cam 180 degrees out, bent all exhaust valves as soon as it cranked. did not hear a thing, just wouldn't start.. then zero compression.
Do a compression check. if you get a 0. it's a bent valve without a doubt.
in your case, sounds like a dead battery.
if you hear the hissing, most chances are you have no bent valves. compression check to test though. because with bent valves there is no hiss because the air is not getting compressed
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