Jokes!

[Jeff240sx]

Post jokes. I pulled these from a joke site.. I love them.

a kid comes home from school and asks his dad what the difference between potentially and realistically is, so the dad says "go upstairs and ask your mom if she'd sleep with the mailman for $1 million". The boy does, and comes downstairs and says "mom said yes." Then the father says "go up and ask your sister the same thing." And the boy does.. and comes back and says "she said yes also." Then the father said "See.. potentially we're sitting on two million dollars here.. but realistically.. we're just living with a couple of whores."

There was this guy who was on airplane, he had to go to the bathroom really bad.. Well everytime he would go to the bathroom someone was always in it.So he finally asked the flight attendant if he could use the ladies room.
She said, well sir I'm not sure if that would be a good idea,you see there are buttons in there.
He says ,Oh please please I really have to go and I promise I won't push any buttons.
So she tells him go ahead,just don't push any buttons. So he goes in there he's sitting on the toilet doing his duty. Well he looks over and sees three buttons. One is yellow,one is red and one is green. He pushes the yellow button and out comes water and sprays his behind. He thinks "wow that felt good, I'll press the red button".So he pushes the red button and out comes a powder puff and dries him off and powders him.So then he pushes the green button.. He passes out and wakes up in hospital.
He looks up at the flight attendant and she says "you pushed the green button didn't you?"
He knods.. He said "What happened?" She said "The green button was an Automatic Tampon Remover,your dick is laying under your pillow"

A guy and his wife were speeding down the interstate when a state cop pulls him over. The man says, "What's the problem officer?
Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 65."
Wife: "Oh Harry, you were going 80." Man gives his wife a dirty look.
Officer: "I will also give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for months." Man gives his wife a dirty look.
Officer: "I will also give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt."
Man turns to his wife and yells, "Bitch, shut your damn mouth"
The Officer turns to the woman and says, "Ma'm,does your husband talk to you this way all the time?? Wife says, "No, only when he's drunk."

-Jeff

[Eternal_240Sx]

Pets

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening.

They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.

The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house.

The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house.

They don't want the cat shut in the house because "she" always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat.

The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.

The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty.

She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon.

"He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.

"Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away.

"Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed.

Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!

Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me.

But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cabdriver hit a parked car...

[Eternal_240Sx]

A man and his wife were getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, and my butt is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns to him and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself." He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight." Services for him will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 at the Mid-Town Memorial Chapel. Female friends of the family are invited.

Fighter Pilot

A Navy fighter pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch?

What's so special about it?

He explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well", explains the pilot, "it says you're not wearing any panties...."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken, because I am wearing panties!"

The pilot taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."
__________________

[S14DB]

:zzz: :zzz: :zzz:

[TheSnail]

I only have racist jokes, your mama jokes, etc.. I dont have story line jokes. If we can list whatever negative jokes we know with out being pinked, let me know.

[BSeay]

hehe i got some....


A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''
The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?!''

The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''


Pregnant

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl and tells
them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,

"You shag her again."

Captured Cowboy

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse."
The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off.
Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing."
The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."
The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horses ear, then slaps it on the ass.
Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."
The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."
The Indians bring him his horse.
The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"

[BSeay]

btw a good site for story ones....

http://www.amazingjokes.com/

[Twinkie]

There were three fleas that were having a meeting on a dog after they had spent the night on a lady's body. Flea #1 says "golly, what a night last night...i oughtta tell yah waht happen...but first, tell me where y'all slept last ngiht?

Flea#2 : I stayed on a hard dry surface with a BUNCHA long hair...it wasnt very comfortable. I was freezin my ass off all night! (turns out, he was sleeping on the woman's head)

Flea#3: I stayed in a warm and humid and very quiet place with not so much hair. I had a good enough sleep. Id come back anytime. (turns out, he was sleepin under the woman's armpit)

Flea#1: sheesh...sounds like my night last night was worst than both of y'all...at first, i found a really comfortable place. It was a hot & steamy deep cave with not so much hair, but very very damp! I loved it! It was like a SAUNA! But then...during the middle of the night while i was deep asleep, a big bald monster trampled me over, threw me against the wall and spit in my damn face!

[Titan]

One day a blonde teenage girl runs home frantically to her mother and desperatly says "Mommy! Mommy! Is it true what Mandy just told me? Is it true that baby's come out of the same place boys' thingys go in?"

The mother, being releived she doesn't have to explain intercourse to her daughter, says "Yes honey, thats true."

The teenage girl grabs her head and says, "Oh my God! When I have a baby, will it knock my teeth out!?!"

[s13silady]

A man limps into a bar with a cane and alligator. The bartender stops him and says "Hold on a second here - you can't bring that animal in here, they aren't allowed!" So the man says, "But my gator here does a really cool trick..."
The bartender says "Well then, lets see!" So the man whips out his dick and shoves it in the gators mouth. He then takes his cane and starts bashing the gator in the head with it. A crowd gathers around and everyone is astonished when he pulls out his dick without a single scratch.
He looks around at the crowd and says, "Does anyone else want to try?" An old lady raises her hand and says..."Sure, but don't hit me with that stick."
***

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when a
little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.
After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about eight times.
He asks her why they don't eat almonds themselves. She replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth. They aren't able to chew
them. "Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled.
The old lady answers, "We just love he chocolate around them."
***

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead.
As the panda stands up to leave, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"
The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
***

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically
telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a
suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I asked. "They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies. I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat, he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk
again.

[rainier]

I only have racist jokes, your mama jokes, etc.. I dont have story line jokes. If we can list whatever negative jokes we know with out being pinked, let me know.

haha seriously thats the only kinda of jokes that i really know. and some of them are so bad. its okay.

[airsoft]

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor??




... WHERES MY TRACTORS !!??!!

[Var]

There was a contruction worker on the 3rd floor of an unfinished building.

He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started communicating with signs so the guy on the ground could understand him.

First he pointed at his eyes(meaning "I") then he pointed to his knees(meaning "need") and then he moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.

Finally , the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.

The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed off and ran downstairs and started yelling at this guy "You idiot, i was trying to tell you i needed a handsaw."

The other guy replied "I know, i was trying to tell you that i was coming."

[slivia-junkie]

a man walks into a crouded bar and says to the bartender i bet you $100 that i can piss into the spitune on the far wall from here

the bartender thinks that that is eazy money so he says shure

the man pulls out his dick and starts pissing. piss is giong every where on the floor on the walls on the stools, every where but the spitune

the man starts to laugh and hands $100 to the bar tender

the bartender says you just lost $100 why are you so happy

the man relpies no i bet every one else in the room $100 that i could piss all over every thing and get away with it

[Stock-S13]

^^^Tarintino is a great storyteller, highlight of that whole movie.