BSeay
02-10-2005, 12:07 PM
The Guys' Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the
guys' side of the story.
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules
from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all
numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining
about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it
that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us
to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it
done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it
yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach,
for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no
idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say nothing,"
we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just
not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer
you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine
... Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss
such topics as sports, the weather, or hunting.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch
tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
nismo2491
02-10-2005, 12:24 PM
maxim did these a bit ago.
Rule #1: Thou shalt not rent Chocolat.
Rule #6: Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
Rule #85 (The Sergeant Schultz Rule): When queried by a buddy’s wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence.
Rule #212: Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
Rule #404: Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend move furniture: Your legs have been severed in a freak threshing accident. Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend of a friend move furniture: You’d rather stay home and watch Speed Buggy reruns.
Rule #723 (The Tuxedo Cloaking Rule): A best-man toast must not include any of the following phrases: “down in Tijuana,” “improbably booting out his nose,” “mostly scabbed over,” or “energetic Greco-Roman clusterfuck.”
Rule #959: You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call bullshit. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent.)
Rule #1,073: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
Rule #1,219: If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
Rule #1,476: The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who’s running late: five minutes. Maximum waiting time: six minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1–10 scale.
Rule #1,699: Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s refrigerator is forbidden. But gripe at will if the temperature’s unsuitable.
Rule #1,862: A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own—weed whacker, car, firstborn child—with 12 hours’ notice. If he damages the item, he must repair it within seven days, even if it means selling his plasma. Exception: If you don’t notice the damage at the hand-off, he gets away scot-free.
Rule #2,284 (The Patton Principle): Falling on a grenade for a buddy (i.e., agreeing to distract the skanky friend of the hot babe he’s trying to score) is your legal duty. But should you get carried away with your good deed and end up bonking the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
Rule #2,475: Do not torpedo single friends: If you’re married and a pal drops by with a date, do not, even after your sixth vodka, blurt out, “So, when are you two gonna walk the plank?” Punishment: Following the assembly instructions for your rug rats’ toys for two years.
Rule #2,500: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
Rule #2,650 (The Hand-off Catechism): Before dating a buddy’s ex, you are required to ask his permission; and he, in return, is required to grant it. But he’s fully within his rights to say, “Man, are you gonna love the way she licks your testicles.”
Rule #2,738: Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.
Rule #2,811: If a man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem—you didn’t see nothin’.
Rule #2,901: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact, even remembering your best buddy’s birthday is strictly optional.)
Rule #3,462: The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer. The reward formula is as follows: (hours of labor) x (number of boxes) x (flights of stairs) ÷ dollars, in hundreds, of damage to belongings = beers owed. Bonus for the friend who owns the truck: first crack at that hot new neighbor chick.
Rule #3,730: You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend’s cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.
Rule #4,671: While your girlfriend must bond with your buddies’ girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal pals’ significant dickheads—low-level sports bonding is all the law requires. (Sorry, ladies: It’s called a double standard because it’s twice as true.)
Rule #5,294: Unless you have signed a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear in public wearing more than one Nike swoosh.
Rule #5,649: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.
Rule #5,888 (The Mercy Rule): When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiny, loser friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you’ll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood.
Rule #6,172 (Gas Warfare Act): You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you’ve brought her to climax. But if you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she’s officially your girlfriend.
Rule #6,521: It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach…and it’s delivered by a topless supermodel…and it’s free.
Rule #6,876: When in a bar that has a ratio of more than five waiting customers per bartender, limit orders to beer and straight liquor. (No, your girlfriend does not need a frozen flying grasshopper with a twist of grapefruit.)
Rule #7,104: Only in a situation of mortal and/or ass peril are you allowed to kick another member of the male species in the testicles.
Rule #7,105: Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.
Rule #7,718 (The Body Heat Rule): A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
Rule #7,847: The third, fourth, and fifth rules of Fight Club: If your buddy is outnumbered, outmanned, or too drunk to defend himself, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If during the past 24 hours his actions have caused you to think What this guy needs is a good ass-whupping, you may stand back and enjoy.
Rule #8,000: Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
Rule #8,174 (The Golden Rule): Move your feet, lose your seat. This rule has survived many challenges and supersedes all childish “pee breaks are safe” local ordinances.
Rule #8,416: When picking players for a sports team, it is permissible to skip over your buddy in favor of better athletes—as long as you don’t let him be the last sorry son of a bitch standing on the sidelines.
Rule #8,421: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer.
Rule #8,580: Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a buddy of yours, except when she’s withholding sex pending your response.
Rule #8,754: Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
“Yeah, baby, push it!”
“C’mon, give me one more! Harder!”
“Another set and we can hit the showers.”
“Nice ass. Are you a Sagittarius?”
Rule #8,812: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That’s just plain mean.
Rule #8,820: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you’re on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible “I recognize you” nod is all the conversation you need.
Rule #8,911: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you’re able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone; hang up if necessary.
Rule #9,048: You cannot rat out a coworker who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may, however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with Limburger cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor’s broken, and have him paged over the loudspeaker every seven minutes.
Rule #9,076: When receiving oral sex while driving, always:
Wear your seat belt.
Close the sunroof.
Smile.
Make extended eye contact with as many women in other cars as possible.
Rule #9,210: If one guy is already singing along with a song on the car radio, you may not chime in, even if it’s the chorus to “Wooly Bully.” Better response: Tell him to shut his pie hole.
Rule #9,374: If you catch your woman screwing your best friend, let your state’s crimes-of-passion laws be your guide.
Rule #9,481: When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chance of getting laid, either.
Rule #9,546: Things you can always cheat on: your taxes, the SATs, and your resumé. Things you can never cheat on: golf, darts, poker.
Rule #9,601: Before allowing a drunken pal to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he can get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a “Fuck off!” you are absolved of responsibility. Remember: Later on you will have no idea what his girlfriend is talking about.
Rule #9,750 (The Skank Rule): You may swear friends to secrecy about a sexual escapade only if there’s a chance the woman in question will become your girlfriend. If you’re imprudent enough to get caught bagging an undesirable female, then the anecdote will stay in the guy public domain right through your bachelor party. Don’t beg; it’s unseemly.
Rule #9,806: The morning after you and a babe who was formerly “just a friend” have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.
Rule #9,998: Always split aces and eights. No arguments.
1. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever! Unless you actually marry her.
2. When questioned by a friend's girlfriend, you need not and should not provide any information as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence.
3. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 24 hours.
4. A best man's toast may not include any of the following phrases, "down in Tijuana", "one time when we were all piss drunk", or "and this girl had the biggest rack you ever saw".
5. You may exaggerate any anecdote told to your friends by 50% without recrimination, beyond that anyone within earshot is allowed to yell out "bullshit!". (exception: when trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration is 400%)
6. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
7. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another man is 5 minutes. The maximum is 6 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
8. Bitching about the brand of free beverages in your buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. But gripe at will if the temperature is not suitable.
9. A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own - grill, car, firstborn child - within 12 hr notice. Women or anything considered "lucky" are not applicable in this case.
10. Falling on a grenade for a buddy (agreeing to distract the skanky friend of the hot babe he's trying to score) is your legal duty. But should you get carried away with your good deed and end up getting on the beast, your pal is forbidden to ever speak of it.
11. Do not torpedo single friends.
12. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
13. Before dating a buddy's ex you are required to ask his permission. If he grants it, he is however allowed to say, "man, your gonna love the way she licks your balls"
14. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.
15. If a mans zipper is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything!
16. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (in fact, even remembering your best friends birthday is optional)
17. You must offer heartfelt condolences over the death of a girlfriends cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.
18. While your girlfriend must bond with your buddies girlfriends with in 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal pal's boyfriends- low level sports bonding is all the law requires.
19. Unless you have a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear in public wearing more than one Nike swoosh.
20. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
21. If your girlfriend asks to set your friend up with her ugly, whiny, loser friend of hers, you must grant permission, but only if you have ample time to warn your friend to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood.
22. Only in a situation of mortal danger or ass peril are you permitted to kick another member of the male species in the testicles.
23. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. This includes men who aren't wearing shirts. If your buddy is outnumbered outmanned, or too drunk to defend himself, you must jump into the fight. Exception: if during the past 24 hours your friends actions have caused you to think "what this guy needs is a good ass wuppin", in which case you may refrain from getting involved and stand back and enjoy.
24. Friends don’t let friends wear speedos. Ever. Case closed.
25. Fives must be called at all times when getting out of your seat. If not, your seat is up for grabs. However, "house rules" may come into effect, in which case it is left up to the owner of the seat.
26. Shotgun can be called on anything where a shotgun applies., as long as you are in eyesight of the object, or it is at a reasonable time.
27. When picking players for sports teams it is permissible to skip over your buddy in favor of better athletes- as long as you don’t let him be the last sorry son of a bitch standing on the sideline.
28. If you ever compliment a guy's six pack, you better be talking about his choice of beverage.
29. Never join your girlfriend in ragging on a buddy of yours, unless she is withholding sex, pending your response.
30. Phrases that may never be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
"Yeah, baby, push it!"
"Come on, give me one more, harder!"
"Another set and we can hit the showers"
"Nice ass! Are you a Sagittarius?"
31. Never hesitate to reach for the last beverage or pizza, but not both. That’s just mean.
32. Never talk to another man in the bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line for all other situations an "I recognize you" nod will do just fine.
33. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch nearby, hang up if necessary.
34. You can not rat out a friend who show's up to work or class with a massive hangover, however you may: hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness on his computer way up so he thinks its broken, or have him paged every seven minutes.
35. If you catch your girl messing around with your best friend, let your states crime of passion laws be your guide.
36. If your buddy is trying to hook up with a girl, you may sabotage him only in a manor that gives you no chances of getting any either.
37. Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he can get up on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "fuck off" then you are absolved from all responsibility. Later on it is ok that you have no idea what his girlfriend is talking about.
38. The morning after you and a babe, who was formerly "just a friend", go at it, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to jump on her again before there is a discussion about what a big mistake it was.
39. If a buddy has lint, an eyelash, or any other foreign object on his hair or face, under no circumstances are you permitted to remove it. However an appropriate hand gesture may be made to make him aware of it.
40. An anniversary is recognized on a yearly basis, under no circumstances will anything be celebrated in an interval other than a year
41. When using a urinal in a public restroom, a buffer zone of at least one urinal will exist at all times. If the only empty urinal is directly next to an occupied on, then you are still required to wait. (Exception: at a sporting event where a line has formed to use the pisser)
42. When coming to a room which you know is occupied by your friend and possibly another girl, you must knock and wait for an adequate response. If no response occurs, and the door is locked, a 10 minute period is required before knocking again.
43. The only time dicking over a buddy for a girl is legal, is when the girl ranks a 8 or above on the 1-10 scale. (exception: a girl may rank from 5-7, as long as there is oral sex involved).
44. A mans gotta scratch what a mans gotta scratch. This applies to picking as well. Let the man be.
45. No man shall ever watch any of the following programs on TV:
Figure skating
Men's gymnastics
Any sport involving women (unless viewed for sexual purposes)
46. If you accidentally touch or brush against any part of another man below the waist, it is an understood accident, and NO apologies or any reference to the occurrence is necessary.
47. No man shall spend more than 2 minutes in front of a mirror. If more time is required, a three minute waiting period must be allowed before returning to the mirror.
48. Any dispute lasting any longer than 3 minutes will and must be settled by rock, paper, scissors. There is no argument too important for this determining method.
49. No man will ever willingly watch a movie in which the main theme is dancing, and if a man shall happen to view such a movie it is only acceptable if its with a girlfriend.
50. Only acceptable time when a man is allowed to cry:
when a heroic dog dies to save his master.
after being struck in the testicles with anything moving fast than 7 mph.
When your date is using her teeth.
The day Anna Kornikova chooses a husband.
51. If a bet is made, and the challenge is completed, then the bettor may recoup his money by immediately completing a more daring challenge. If he refuses the challenge or chooses not to propose one, then and only then, must the money be paid.
52. Masturbate often. (exception: if your roommate is due back within the hour)
53. If a hot girl shall happen to pass by while you are in an arms reach of your buddy, you must, and will, tap him on the shoulder to make him aware of the babe.
54. A man's shoes may not intentionally match any other article of clothing on his body.
55. No comment shall ever be made to a man about how much he is sweating. In fact, there is no need bring notice to any body part which he may be sweating from.
56. No man shall ever allow anyone to speak ill of The Simpsons or any Rocky movie. (Exception: Rocky V)
57. You have not made any mistake if you find that there are extra pieces after reassembling or assembling an object. In fact, you have just found a way to make that object more efficient.
58. There are is never an occasion in which any shirt without buttons may be tucked in. (Exception: when you are participating in a organized sporting event)
59. Unless you are under the age of 11 or wearing a bathing suit,, DON’T wear whitey tighty's. It still escapes all reasoning as to why they even make them in adult sizes.
60. Any object thrown with reasonable speed and accuracy, MUST be caught.
61. No man shall ever keep track of, or count, the amount of beers he has had in a night.
62. Under no circumstances may two non-related men share a bed or anything which can be perceived as a mattress.
63. In an empty room, car, ect., a man can not ask another man if he is mad because he isn’t talking.
64. If you jiggle more than twice, your playing with it.
65. A man shall never help another man apply sun tan oil.
66. The guy who wants something the most is responsible for getting it.
67. If your friend says "Lick my nuts" as a way to put you down, don't try to be funny by saying "OK" and moving your head towards his crotch, two homosexual references in a row are just plain scary...
68. If you say ouch, you are a pussy!
69. It is the God given duty of every man to assist any other man that may be in need of assistance in obtaining every guys dream (threesome with two girls)
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