email jokes:

[crioten]

i get a lot of email jokes from different friends, so i decided that it would be cool for people to post some of their favorite jokes that they have gotten in their email...ill start:


A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the
pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.

If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the
sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a
storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note
on
the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior
and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't
say
he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this
and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"

12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks
for
the grub, yeah God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's,
not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.


my favorite is number 9 :)
-glen

p.s. im not trying to offend anyone, its a joke, take it at that...

[airsoft]

Dear Person who opened this email,
I am a virus.

:(

[CreAziaN]

Dear Person who opened this email,
I am a virus.

:(
That's really sad, but HELLA funny. I hope it wasn't really a virus :wtc:

[crioten]

hahaha, i just did that to a bunch of my friends...

they all freaked out and started running virus programs...there wasnt even a file that was attached ahahaha

-glen

[Johny5]

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.

something about that made me burst out laughing, touche!

[nokeone]

this one got me giggling:

12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"

[Phlip]

Here's one I got a while back:


A fellow walked into his doctor`s office, complaining that
he thinks he might have a tapeworm. The doctor made a physical
examination and listened to the symptoms, and concurred with
the self-diagnosis.

"I want you to come back tomorrow to start treatment. And
bring a banana and a cookie with you." said the doctor.

Despite the seemingly odd request, our hero complied and
returned the next day with a banana and a cookie.

The doctor then said, "Okay, now drop your pants and bend over.
This is going to hurt a bit."

Although stunned by the turn of events, the patient dropped
his pants and bent over. The doctor peeled the banana and
with one deft motion rammed it up the guy`s ass. While the
doctor consulted his watch, our hero danced around the room
shouting at the doctor.

"Okay, one minute is up and we have to complete the second
part of the treatment if you truly want to get rid of this
tapeworm." advised the doctor.

Despite the pain, the patient did want to be cured and so
complied with the order to bend over again. Again, the doctor
took the cookie and rammed IT up the patient`s ass.

"Okay, tomorrow I want to see you here at the same time, and
bring another banana and a cookie." said the doctor. The now
humbled patient, with tears of pain in his eyes, nodded his
head.

The next day, the same routine ensued. First the doctor rammed
up a banana, waited exactly one minute, then rammed up the
cookie. And the next day, and the next day and the next...!!
Every day UP went a banana, waited one minute, then UP went
the cookie.

After one full week of treatment, the doctor finally said,
"Well, tomorrow is the LAST day of treatment. I want you to
bring in a banana and a hammer."

"Not a cookie?" asked the very frightened patient, trying to
imagine what a hammer was going to feel like.

"Nope, a hammer." confirmed the doctor.

On the last day, the doctor said, "Okay, you know the routine".
So the man dropped his pants and bent over. UP went the banana,
and the doctor looked at his watch and picked up the hammer.
One minute passed. Then two minutes. Three. Four minutes passed.

Finally, a little head poked out of the patient`s ass.

"WHERE`S MY COOKIE???"

**WHAM**

[Ricer240sx]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA thats messed up lol

[russian]

this is a goos one:


Younger son comes up to dad and asks a question.

kid: "Dad what is the difference between "theoretically" and "in reality"??

Dad "Well let me explain lets go to yo mama"

they walk over to mom,

dad : "honey, would you sleep with brad pit for 1 million dollars?"

mom "well sure i would thats a lot of money and hes handsome!"

dad to kid: "ok lets go to your sister"

they walk over to his daughter,
dad asks her : "sweetheart, would you sleep with brad pitt for 1 million dollars?"

his daughter goes : "hell yea hes hot, and money are nice also!"

dad " ok son now lets go to your older brother. they walk over to his teenager son.

dad: "son, would you sleep with tom cruise for 1 million dollars?"

older son "well.... 1 million dollars is a lot to do with. i guess i would have"

Dad turns around and tells his younger son :

"See son, THEORETICALLY we are sittin' here on 3 freakin million dollars, but in REALITY we live with 2 Whores and a Homo!