Tell A Joke [Archive] - Zilvia.net Forums | Nissan 240SX (Silvia) and Z (Fairlady) Car Forum

Got Sileighty?

03-08-2004, 04:12 PM

emailed to me from a george carlin show:

"If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?"

"Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?"

"OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans? "

"Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?"

"If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it? "

the email had a bunch of one-liners from him. but i thought those were the best ones. :D

No Motiv

03-08-2004, 10:11 PM

sorry but i only got offensive.....im apolagizing in advance...(and i think these are wrong but meh....here goes nothin)

What did the blind kid get for Christmas?...................Cancer (ouch that one hurts)

Wanna hear a joke?............................................. ..Womens Rights (MAJOR OUCH)

it gets worse.
Silvia Girl dont kill me............

Why cant women drive.................there's no road between the bedroom and the kitchen( OUCH)

I think I'll stop there...i dont want to affend any one.....

if you want more just request em'

S13SilviaGirl

03-08-2004, 10:16 PM

thats funnay....I kill you later! :D

Burmonster

03-08-2004, 10:41 PM

What did the blind kid get for Christmas?...................Cancer (ouch that one hurts)

I have heard that one before, but it was "What did the blind, deft kid get for Chritmass?"....funny stuff, my friend with cancer was the one to tell it to me

Why cant women drive.................there's no road between the bedroom and the kitchen( OUCH)

haha...on that offensive note.....
What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes..............................nothing, she has already been told twice. (Big ouch)

airsoft

03-09-2004, 01:13 AM

i want that damn cat!

240Stilo

03-09-2004, 02:52 AM

Dave Chapelle: What was that one thing you used to always eat...umm(snap)......umm(snap).....pussy. :eek3: :yum: :drool: :barf:

No Motiv

03-09-2004, 07:22 AM

hahah airsoft

I got a really fucked up offensive one...Ready?

Ok.......so There's this kid hes like 3 years old and he love firemen...he has all the firemen roys, a firemans hat, fireman videos, fireman Halloween costome, and every thing...he goes up to his mom and is like....

"mommy when i grow up i want to be a fireman".......

she says......

"you're not growing up you have AIDS"

(OUCH that one is too awful)

Var

03-09-2004, 09:59 AM

OOOOOOOO DAMN. That's hardly a joke man. i got a pretty wrong one

A little girl was at the barber shop waiting for her dad to get his haircut. She was just walking around the shop sucking on her lolypop. Then she drops her lolypop. The barber says "Did you get hair on your candy?" The little girl responds "NO! I'm only 4 years old."

russian

03-09-2004, 10:07 AM

how do you know its time to clean the house and do the dishes???

look in your pants, if you see a penis - it is not the time.

what do 54,000 abused women have in common?

they dont listen!

:hyper:

TRUENOCOUPE

03-09-2004, 10:08 AM

A cop was patrolling at night in a well-known spot for "parking." He
sees a couple in a car, with the interior light on. He gets closer to
the car and sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer
magazine and a young woman on the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this
surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and knocks at the window.
The young man lowers his window... "Yes,
officer?"
"What are you doing?"
"Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a
magazine..."
Pointing towards the young woman, the cop says: "And her, what is she
doing?"
The young man shrugs: "I believe she's knitting a pullover..." The cop
is totally confused. A young couple alone in a car at night and nothing
is happening!
"What's your age, young man?"
"I'm 25, sir..."
"And her, what's her age?"
The young man looks at his watch, smiles and says: "She'll be 18 in 20
minutes...

wuss

03-09-2004, 10:15 AM

:squintd: Try not to be offensive
i'll start(i heard this one on craigslist)

Why did Michael Jackson call Boyz II Men?

He thought it was a delivery service. :D :p :hammer:

Var

03-09-2004, 10:22 AM

What do Wallmart and Michael Jackson have in common?

They both have boys shorts half off

S14Speed997

03-09-2004, 10:35 AM

What did the Mexican say when the house fell on him??

"Get off me holmes!"

airsoft

03-09-2004, 10:46 AM

Why do men not need to buy a watch for there wives?

They've got a clock on the stove...
MUAHAHAHAHAHAH !!!!

No Motiv

03-09-2004, 11:59 AM

Why do men not need to buy a watch for there wives?

They've got a clock on the stove...
MUAHAHAHAHAHAH !!!!

hahaha silly

here i have some more for ya
......
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a poodle?
...............
...
A dead poodle with an 18 inch asshole.

and

"What green and has wheels?".............."Grass I lied about the wheels"..........HAHAHAHHA THATS A KNEE SLAPPER :fart: :hahano:

TRUENOCOUPE

03-09-2004, 12:24 PM

A prisoner escapes from his prison where he had been kept for 15
years.While running away, he finds a house and breaks into it. He
finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a
chair, then he ties the woman to the bed. While he's on top of her, he
kisses her neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

In his absence the husband proceeds to tell his wife: "Listen, this
guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of
time in prison and hasn't seen a woman in years. I noticed how much he enjoyed kissing your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us.......
Be strong, Honey, and remember how much I love you."

To which the wife responds, "I am glad you think that way and you're
right. He hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck.
He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any vaseline in the bathroom........
Be strong, Honey..... I love you, too..."

TRUENOCOUPE

03-09-2004, 12:25 PM

Students at a Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a
real dead human body. They are all gathered around the surgery table with
the body covered with a white sheet. Then the professor started the class by
telling them: "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities
as a doctor: The first is that it is necessary that you don't get
disgusted."

The Professor uncovered the sheet, sunk his finger in the butt of the dead
body, withdrew it, and then... stuck his finger in his mouth and sucked it.

"Go ahead and do the same thing" he told his students. The students freaked

out, hesitated and subsequently taking turns, sunk their finger in the butt

of the dead body and sucked it after withdrawing it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them:
"The second important quality is observation. I inserted the middle finger
and sucked the index finger.
PAY ATTENTION people. "

Kain_Pabyeda

03-09-2004, 01:04 PM

What's the difference between, like, love, and hate?

Spit, swallow, and Bite.

Var

03-09-2004, 01:08 PM

Which word doesnt belong?

Eggs, Meat, Wife, Blowjob

Blowjob

Cause you can beat your eggs, you can beat your meat, you can beat your wife..but you just cant beat a blowjob.

airsoft

03-09-2004, 02:06 PM

Why do they call it PMS?

Cuz mad cow disease is already taken !!

airsoft

03-09-2004, 02:11 PM

Alrite alrite.....

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor ?????......................
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
WHERES MY TRACTOR !!!!!?!?!?

Kain_Pabyeda

03-09-2004, 03:10 PM

What do you get when you play a country song backwards?

Your truck, your dog, and your wife back.

Kain_Pabyeda

03-09-2004, 03:11 PM

2 guys walk into a bar....the 3rd ducks

SINxSELEKTAH

03-09-2004, 03:12 PM

this one's for all you catholics...(remember...even god has a sense of humor)

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest.
When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father.'"

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop.
Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace.'"

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal.
Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence.'"

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.
The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"

She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard bodied, well-hung, male stripper.
Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "My God...."

-Jaysin

mixxamike

03-09-2004, 03:31 PM

I'm really into dead baby jokes right now, so if you don't like them...please don't read them.

What's red and sits in a highchair?
.
.
.
.
A baby eating razor blades.

What's worse than a garbage can full of dead babies?
.
.
.
.
A live one at the bottom eating its way out.

What's the difference between a Porche and a garbage bag full of dead babies?
.
.
.
.
I don't have a porche in my garage.

Just so everyone knows, I'm really not a sick person. I just find extreme humor, well, humorous.

Project RPS13

03-09-2004, 03:42 PM

ok... it's just a joke aight...?

why did the feminist cross the road?

TO SUCK MY D!CK!!!

Var

03-09-2004, 04:14 PM

more dead baby

what do you get when you put a baby in a blender?

an erection

what's the difference between a truck full of dead babies and a truck full of bowling balls?

you can't use a pitchfork to unload the bowling balls.

why did the woman cross the road?

cause you left too much slack in her leash

iknowyoulike

03-09-2004, 08:01 PM

I got one for ya what do you call cheese that's not yours?
..NACHOS CHEESE :p
..
..
..Why did the Monkey fall of the tree?
..
..Because it died! HAHA
..
..
..Stupid and pointless but you get a good laugh! :cool:

thelinja

03-09-2004, 08:43 PM

So two muffins are sitting in a microwave.

One muffin looks over at the other one and says "It's getting kinda hot in here."

The other muffin says, "HOLY SHIT! A TALKING MUFFIN!"

Burmonster

03-09-2004, 10:01 PM

A science teacher asked her studients, "Children, if you could own one mineral in the world, what would it be?"
One boy said, "I would choose gold. It's worth lots of money and I could buy a Corvette."
Another boy siad, "I would want platinum becuase it's worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche."
The teacher said, "Johnny, what would you want?"
Johnny said, "I would want silicone."
"Why would you want silicone?" the teacher asked.
"Well, my mom got some," he replied, "And there's always a Porsche or a Corvette sitting in our driveway."

airsoft

03-09-2004, 10:43 PM

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie roll tootsie pop?

The owl says three... but i don't know.... if u can trust a talking owl... hmmmmmm???????

Stee Flo

03-10-2004, 02:27 PM

:coold: :Knock Knock...

:hsdance: :Who's there..

:coold: :Little Boy Blue..

:hsdance: :Little boy blue who..

:coold: :............Michael Jackson :ghey: :rofl:

Bbandit

03-10-2004, 03:13 PM

a teacher is teaching her 2nd grade students...
the teacher asked: "who here wants to go in to the heaven? raise your hands"
everybody raised their hand except this one kid named bobby.
the teacher asked in confusion, "bobby, dont you wanna go in to the heaven?"
bobby replied, "no teacher, I want to go in to the military"

SINxSELEKTAH

03-10-2004, 11:08 PM

One day a farmer went to a town to buy some animals. He got to the place and said, "Hi, I'd like to buy a rooster." The man said, "Sir we don't call it a rooster here, we call it a cock." So the farmer replied, "Well then I'll take a cock."

Then he looked around and thought that if he was going to buy a rooster he'd need a chicken, so he said, "I'll also take a chicken." The man at the store said, "Sir it is called a pullet here!" So the farmer told him he'd buy a pullet.

Then the farmer thought that he'd need a donkey to carry everything since he was walking home. He said, "Hey you know what, I'll take a donkey too." The guy at the store said, "Yes Sir but it is called an ass!"

So then the guy at the store explained to the farmer that the ass sometimes doesn't want to walk. He told him that when this happens all he has to do is scratch its butt and it will start walking again.

On his way home he was walking and suddenly the ass stopped. He pulled and pulled on the lasso but it didn't work. Then the rooster and the chicken started to fall off of the donkey so he grabbed them.

After a while he remembered what the clerk told him, but he couldn't put the animals down cause he was afraid someone would steal them.

He them saw a very attractive young woman walking towards him and when she got closer he asked her, "Hey Miss could you hold my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass?"