Men Rules

[Alan_s14]

I got a mail from a friend a few days ago and i just wanted to share it with you guys...it's funny as hell. Sorry for the bad english, i have to translate the entire text!

We allways listen about the rules from the feminine side!

But now here are the rules from the men's side!
THIS ARE OUR RULES!
All of them have the number "1" on purpose!


1. We DON'T read minds
1. Learn how to handle the toilet... you are big enough. If it's up... just put it down!
We need it up and you need it. You'll never hear us complaining about being down.
1. Weekend's are sporty, like the full moon or the sea...just let it be
1. Shopping it's NOT an sport! and no, we'll never change our mind
1. Crying is blackmail
1. Say clearly what you want,:
Subtle suggestions don't work!
Firm suggestions don't work!
Obvious suggestions don't work!
Just say it!!
1. Yes or No are perfectly aceptable answers for almost any question
1. Come to us with a problem only if you need help to fix it. Thats what we do.
Simpathy find it with your friends...thats what they are for
1. Everything said 6 months ago is unaceptable as argument.
In fact, everithing said 7 days ago is inadmissible as argument
1. If you think you are fat, proably you are.
Don't ask
1. If something we say can be interpreted on 2 ways, and one of them makes you sad or angry, we don't mean that one, we mean the other one.
1. You can ask us to do something and tell us how you want it. But not how to do it.
If you know how to do it, do it yourself.
1. If it's possible, say what you want, only in the commercial breaks.
1. Christopher Colombus DON'T need directions to get here, no mans needs it.
1. EVERY man see only 16 colors, like the colors in the computers.
Peach, for example, it's a fruit not a color. Grape its a fruit too. We don't know what Fiusha is!
1. If we got itching, we scratch ourselves.
as simple as that.
1. If we ask what it's wrong and you say "Nothing", we'll act like nothing bad hapend.
We know you are lying, but it doesn't worth discussing about it.
1. If you ask something you don't want to listen, expect and answer you don't want to listen.
1. When we go out, absolutely anything you put it's fine with us... REALLY!!
1. Don't ask what we are thinking unless you are prepared to talk about NFL, MLS, Golf, SR20's or cars!
1. You got to many clothes..
1. You got to many shoes.
1. I'm in shape... Round it's a shape too!!!
1. Thank for reading this.
I know... i'll sleep on the couch tonight...
But you know what? we don't care, is like going camping!

[Brian]

I like the translations

[Alan_s14]

Sarcasm? LOL

[Brian]

No, I like how different languages translate from one to the other.

[SexPanda]

I can't help but read those in a silly russian accent lol. But yes, those rules are very true.

This little gem though I lol'd

But you know what? we don't care, is like going camping!

[DALAZ_68]

i say these r more important


1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(1) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(2) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(3) After wrecking your boss’ car.
(4) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy’s birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy’s choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she’s officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach… and it’s delivered by a topless model and only when it’s free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything.

16: Women who claim they ‘love to watch sports’ must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that’s just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she’s withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
(1) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
(2) C’mon, give me one more! Harder!
(3) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly ‘just a friend’ have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question ‘What do you want for Christmas?’ with ‘If you loved me, you’d know what I want!’ gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men’s Gymnastics. Ever.

We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below.

‘GUTS’ is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, ‘are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?’

‘BALLS’ is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, ‘You’re next.’




yea

i went there

[GSXRJJordan]

Haha, enjoyable reads. Steve's were better.

[illvialuver]

Honestly, I have never thought about the whole toilet seat thing like that. I never really cared. If it's down put it up, even if there is no woman around, who wants to take a shit on a piss splattered seat? But then that rule makes complete logical sense, and women should not complain about it.

[zenki.life]

haha great one Dalaz

[moneybags]

Yea, sometimes my girlfriend tries to start a conversation with me and I just stop her to talk about "SR20's"

[xpertsnowcarver]

Hahaha. I'll fart when my girl is under the covers. LMAO!

[zenki.life]

Hahaha. I'll fart when my girl is under the covers. LMAO!

thats actually kinda sick. lol

she wont be your GF for long if you keep that up. lmao

[xpertsnowcarver]

lol... its not sick at all. It hilarious, hahaha. I'll bust a family guy and pin her down under there! :p I don't brag about it.. but i've been with this broad for six looonng years. And don't think I do it often. I've only done it twice a long time ago.

[DALAZ_68]

thats actually kinda sick. lol

she wont be your GF for long if you keep that up. lmao

so easy lay without comitment...sounds like win win, release gas and free ass

[xpertsnowcarver]

Amen! lol


msglth

[I LUV MY S13]

Hahaha. I'll fart when my girl is under the covers. LMAO!

im not surprised you've done this haha:ssex:
:fart:

[zenki.life]

so easy lay without comitment...sounds like win win, release gas and free ass

true. hahahaha

[illvialuver]

There should be a rule on there that says,

you may fart around your girlfriend but alowing your girlfriend to fart around you is not acceptable.

Atleast not with me. I don't know if I am alone on this one, but I accepting the fact that woman fart and shit and all that, but I don't want to have to face it on the daily.
It may seem childish, but I think once you let a woman fart around you openly, then the next thing she will do is ask to take a shit in the bathroom while your shaving or brushing your teeth.

[WanganRunner]

This is somewhat related and while not exactly funny, I still liked. I do not have kids, but I still relate to some of this shit from a marital standpoint. Taken from here:

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/1209237294.html



My wife asks, "what do I want for Father's Day?"

Nice fucking question. My answer: fuck Father's Day. How about, every day:

--a little respect for the one who has to go out and bust his ass earning the money every day, taking risks and making tough decisions, then come home and raise the children because you collapse in front of the TV as soon as I come through the door (sure, I'll order dinner, AGAIN).

--not expecting me to raise you; you're an adult, complain to your fucking girlfriends instead of me and let me spend that time with the kids. They need my time more than you need my time. For fuck's sake, don't interrupt me when I'm with the kids (especially when I'm helping with their homework, god-almighty) crying with some bullshit about your best friend being a bitch. She IS a bitch, get over it.

--respecting the role that the man of the house plays (or should play): telling the kids the dog is dead, unclogging the toilet, doing the yardwork in 95 degree weather, holding the kid when the doctor sticks a huge fucking needle in him, bailing out the daughter at 2 am when her car breaks down, going to see the principal when there's trouble at school, trying to keep us out of hock and in our home. Doing all the dirty work that you can't or won't do.

--giving me five fucking minutes of my own time, just to read the goddamn newspaper. Yes, I'm ignoring you, take a hint.

--respecting the man who is household CFO by clipping fucking coupons, getting your hair cut at the mall instead of the fucking salon, making coffee instead of buying it at some overpriced cafe, wearing each piece of clothing more than three times, and not buying tons of shit online because you're depressed. We have no savings, barely making the mortgage, the 401K is bust, and retirement is closer than you think. We also need to teach our kids that you don't buy shit to solve your problems and that you can be happy without spending a lot of money. That's important, because more than likely our kids are not going to make six figures right out of school. And even if they did--money doesn't buy happiness (duh).

--teaching the kids to respect me by not fucking badmouthing me to them (yes, they tell me) and backing me up when I make a decision (you could make a decision every once in a while too, you know).

--teaching the kids to respect you by not acting like a fucking idiot, not letting them walk all over you, not letting them eat shit and sit in front of the TV all day.

--respecting the one who has to be every day the one with balls, drive, who has to be strong for the kids, set a good example, leave work for games and recitals when shit is going crazy at work, help the kids when they screw up, cheer for them when they do good, hold them when they cry, talk them through the disappointments, sacrifice everything for the kids when the chips are down, and never regrets it for even one second, because he loves them with an intensity that has no equal.

So: no fucking tie, cologne, golf balls, or any of that shit.

You know what I want on Father's Day? I want a card from the kids. I want to spend the whole day, uninterrupted, with them. Doing whatever. Maybe make some sandwiches and bike down to the river for a picnic. Take a frisbee and just hang out for the day. That would be great.

As for you, do whatever the fuck you want on Father's Day, but please for one day don't spend a ton of fucking money, stab me in the back, or undercut me as I try to lead this family. Maybe you can have your friend the bitch over for coffee while I take the kids out (you can make coffee at home you know, we have ground coffee and a coffee maker, I use it every day, you don't have to go to fucking Starbuck's and spend $20). And don't call me, my cell will be off.

And at the end of the day, I'd like to turn on the game, and raise a beer to all the good dads out there, the ones who are strong, live up to their responsibilities, kick ass or take a bullet for their kids when they have to, love their kids without limits, and manage to raise them with or without the help of a functioning co-parent. You guys rock.

The rest of you dads: fuck you.

Thank you.

Dad