S14Josh
05-24-2009, 04:06 PM
So last night I got home around 1:30 or 2 am. My parents are in AZ for the weekend, and my brother lives across town, so I was there by myself. I get home and go to let my dogs outside. As I open the door I notice that there are ants all over the floor right next to the door, so I go to kill/clean up all the ants inside the house, but all I have is some carpet cleaner....I think to myself, "Fuck it" and I spray the motherfuckers with as much as I can. It was like a shower of death raining upon those little bastards. I clean them up and notice they are still all over the patio outside. So I lift the Charlie Bar for the sliding glass door and open it up. I open the door the entire way, so the Charlie Bar will stay up...then I start spraying down the patio with the hose. Without putting any second thought into it, I shut the sliding glass door so I can spray off the bottom of the door and get rid of the ants. The door shuts and I start spraying.
At this point I'm standing in my boxers, in my backyard, ready to go to sleep, but I still have to serve these dudes a can of ass kicking. I look up and notice my cat is sniffing the rag I used to wipe up the carpet cleaner/ants with. So I go to open the door to pick it up off the ground....well, apparently the Charlie Bar fell down during the time when I was using the hose, and locked the door shut. I open the door and get slapped in the face by god. I'm not sure how funny this was for a greater being to watch, but in my mind, it must have been hilarious.
Now I'm standing in the backyard, in my boxers, locked out of my own house with no key, no phone, no nothing. So I had the option to either:
A) Break a window
B) Knock on my neighbors door and use their phone
C) Try and break in
I went with C.
I walk around the entire house, checking every single window to see if one just happened to be unlocked, but no luck. So then I tried removing the outer frame on one of the windows to pop the window out and climb through...but no luck there. I walk back to the sliding glass door to find my cat rolling around on top of the rag, and rubbing her face in the cleaner. So now I'm watching my cat flirt with death right in front of me, but I can't do anything about it other than bang on the door with the side of my hand....She doesn't listen. Instead my puppy comes out and lays next to her and watches her do it.
Then I notice that there's a way to get a string or a wire into the door so I can hook it on the Charlie Bar to lift it up. So I wander around the backyard looking for something that I can fish through.
It's now about 3 am and I'm still not back inside of my house.
I find a spool of wire in my toolbox which thankfully was sitting in the backyard from the last time I changed my oil. I slice open the wire and pull out the wires inside to make a hook. I manage to hook the bar and lift it up a good 5-6 inches. I can now get my hand inside the door.
Then the bar falls again...
This time BELOW the ledge that it sits on normally.
So now it's impossible to lift it up over the ledge, and I come to the conclusion that I'm fucked. So I grab a couple lawn chairs and sit down to get some sleep. But not before my dogs come to the door wanting to go outside to go to the bathroom. I have big dogs, so if they piss/shit in the house it's going to be like a floodgate opened with tree stumps floating around in it. I decide to just yank on the door as much as I can and as hard as I can.
It's now 3:30 am.
I proceed to yank on the door for the next 2.5 hours until the bar happens to slip off to the side, which frees the door.
It's now 6 am...I'm delirious, tired, still in my boxers, with the door open right in front of my face, yet I'm standing there with my jaw open like I won the lottery. I've won the battle with this motherfucking demon door, and I don't know what to do. I've managed to break inside my own house without breaking anything. Success.
I walk inside and that's that.
FML
The end.
Cliffnotes:
-Get home
-Notice ants in the house
-kill ants and wash off patio
-got locked out of my house in my boxers
-spent the next 5 hours trying to break into my house
-finally got into my house at 6 am.
-The end.
At this point I'm standing in my boxers, in my backyard, ready to go to sleep, but I still have to serve these dudes a can of ass kicking. I look up and notice my cat is sniffing the rag I used to wipe up the carpet cleaner/ants with. So I go to open the door to pick it up off the ground....well, apparently the Charlie Bar fell down during the time when I was using the hose, and locked the door shut. I open the door and get slapped in the face by god. I'm not sure how funny this was for a greater being to watch, but in my mind, it must have been hilarious.
Now I'm standing in the backyard, in my boxers, locked out of my own house with no key, no phone, no nothing. So I had the option to either:
A) Break a window
B) Knock on my neighbors door and use their phone
C) Try and break in
I went with C.
I walk around the entire house, checking every single window to see if one just happened to be unlocked, but no luck. So then I tried removing the outer frame on one of the windows to pop the window out and climb through...but no luck there. I walk back to the sliding glass door to find my cat rolling around on top of the rag, and rubbing her face in the cleaner. So now I'm watching my cat flirt with death right in front of me, but I can't do anything about it other than bang on the door with the side of my hand....She doesn't listen. Instead my puppy comes out and lays next to her and watches her do it.
Then I notice that there's a way to get a string or a wire into the door so I can hook it on the Charlie Bar to lift it up. So I wander around the backyard looking for something that I can fish through.
It's now about 3 am and I'm still not back inside of my house.
I find a spool of wire in my toolbox which thankfully was sitting in the backyard from the last time I changed my oil. I slice open the wire and pull out the wires inside to make a hook. I manage to hook the bar and lift it up a good 5-6 inches. I can now get my hand inside the door.
Then the bar falls again...
This time BELOW the ledge that it sits on normally.
So now it's impossible to lift it up over the ledge, and I come to the conclusion that I'm fucked. So I grab a couple lawn chairs and sit down to get some sleep. But not before my dogs come to the door wanting to go outside to go to the bathroom. I have big dogs, so if they piss/shit in the house it's going to be like a floodgate opened with tree stumps floating around in it. I decide to just yank on the door as much as I can and as hard as I can.
It's now 3:30 am.
I proceed to yank on the door for the next 2.5 hours until the bar happens to slip off to the side, which frees the door.
It's now 6 am...I'm delirious, tired, still in my boxers, with the door open right in front of my face, yet I'm standing there with my jaw open like I won the lottery. I've won the battle with this motherfucking demon door, and I don't know what to do. I've managed to break inside my own house without breaking anything. Success.
I walk inside and that's that.
FML
The end.
Cliffnotes:
-Get home
-Notice ants in the house
-kill ants and wash off patio
-got locked out of my house in my boxers
-spent the next 5 hours trying to break into my house
-finally got into my house at 6 am.
-The end.