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Subzeroqc
12-21-2007, 03:29 PM
Sorry if this a repost. Feel free to close the thread if it is. ( I searched vasectomy and didn't find anything)


I know its a long read, but trust me its worth it!


I'll try to sum up a funny story that happened a few years ago:

I got a vasectomy.

I met a girl soon afterwards. She was nice and attractive but with a selfish streak that raised a big red flag. She was 32 at the time and I could practically HEAR her biological clock ticking. Regardless, she was a good lay, easy on the eyes, and reasonably good company.

I did NOT tell her about my vasectomy and I always used a condom with her to protect against STDs. She assumed, obviously, that the condom was only used for birth control. Silly girl.

We date for a few months. I never made any move towards commitment but she brought it up ocassionally. For me, this was a casual but pleasant relationship. For her - as I was to find out - it was part of life-changing series of events that she was planning very carefully.

Four months into dating, I get the "I'm pregnant" talk. She's going on and on about how the condom must have broke and now we really need to think about getting married "for the baby". She's positively giddy. She has a baby in her and she thinks she's gonna have a good meal ticket (me) to go along with her new 7lb annuity.

At this point, I'm just as giddy. I get to pull the reverse "oops" on her. I figured that she slept with some bad boy and got knocked up. Good thing I was using condoms! Better still that I have a serious mistrust of women who can't think beyond their own uteri.

So I wait a couple of days to "think about all this." I meet her again. I say I don't want kids and that she should have an abortion. I know where this is going and sure enough it goes there. She goes completely batshit insane on me. There were the usual insults about my manhood. There were threats of legal action. It was all very ugly and I was loving every minute of it.

Well, I let her stew for a few days. She leaves me nasty messages on my phone. She sends awful emails. I'm laughing hysterically.

It was time to drop the hammer. While she was stewing I was busy. First I get a notarized copy from the urologist who performed the vasectomy. Next I get a notarized copy of the TWO test results indicating a "negative test result for sperm" to show I'm sterile and shooting blanks. Finally, I get a letter from a shark attorney stating he has seen the other documents and is prepared to litigate against this woman if she continues to communicate with me in such an unpleasant manner. Also, the letter states that we will insist on DNA testing to show that the baby is not mine. I'm ready.

I meet with this woman at her place. I bring flowers and a small bit of jewelry to show I am willing to reconcile and assume my responsibilities as a new father. I also have stuck in my pocket the documents I have prepared.

She's all giddy again. Her plan is going perfectly - or so she thinks. We talk about our future. We have some pretty good sex. Then, as I am about to walk out the door, I ask her the $64,000 question. "Are you sure that this baby is mine?"

Well, she goes batshit insane again. Hell, she ought to. Her plan could completely unravel if there is ANY question about my paternity. Oh, she's really screaming now. How dare I question her morals. Do I think she's a slut. I'm just trying to weasel out of my responsibilities... blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda.

I'm not really mad. I'm kind of embarrassed for her. But since she won't shut up and the neighbors can hear all of this, I ask her to step back inside and sit down. She sits on the sofa and calms down a bit. She is glaring at me with all the moral self-righteousness that only a woman can muster up. She thinks she has me trapped. She is 100% convinced her plan has worked. Oh, the tangled web of lies and deceit she has wrought around herself and I am about to hack through them with a few pieces of paper.

I reach into my pocket slowly. I extract the three pieces of paper and unfold them slowly and deliberately.

I tell her simply, "You're screwed".

Her look doesn't change. There is no way she can fathom what I have prepared.

I continue. "I am sterile"

Her look changes just a bit. Something is beginning to sink in. Naturally, she reverts to women's logic. "You're full of shit. You're trapped and you know it."

I hold up the letter and the test results. "Three months before we met, I had a vasectomy. Here is a notarized letter from him stating what I had done. Here are two test results showing that I tested negative for the presence of sperm. Blanks. I am shooting blanks. That baby inside you is simply not mine."

This woman is not to be swayed by logic and clear documentation. "Bullshit, those are fakes."

I was ready for that. "No, they are real. This last piece of paper is from my attorney. It's a simple letter to you that states if you pursue any kind of legal action against me for child support that I will insist on a DNA test to prove paternity, that is, to prove that your baby is not mine."

I give the woman all the documents. She reads them slowly, deliberately. With each passing second she can feel in her soul that she has made a very bad mistake. With denial swept away, she started to cry. It's a small cry at first. Then it becomes deeper and more painful. By the time she gets to the letter from the lawyer she is sobbing.

I had no sympathy for her. I turned and walked out the door. Even after I closed the door I could still hear her sobbing.

Epilogue -

I never heard directly from this woman again. I did hear through my friends that she did indeed have the baby. I also heard that the real father was some guy in a band she had met. I assumed that after 30, women stopped going after musicians, bikers, criminals, and thugs. Silly me for thinking the best of American women.



The Moral of the Story: Get a vasectomy but keep it a secret.

TiNMAN
12-21-2007, 03:53 PM
r e p o s t .

WilloW
12-21-2007, 04:01 PM
LOL at "batshit insane". That was a good read, + for you.

Jung918
12-21-2007, 04:05 PM
it wasn't a repost for me.

FRpilot
12-21-2007, 04:13 PM
interesting story and fun read..

the pwnage must have felt great for him... knowing that he was going to go along with her and play her game.. and get some sex out of it.. but knowing in the end he would still win.. maybe he could have milked her a bit longer. lol

CusCo_S14
12-21-2007, 04:13 PM
that was a great story.

IIIXziuR
12-21-2007, 04:15 PM
that was interesting, good read none the less.

Farzam
12-21-2007, 04:44 PM
What if you want to have kids some day.

Or can you undo a vasectomy?

Funny read.

RedStage
12-21-2007, 05:01 PM
supposed to be reversible....just don't know about having someone play around inside my sac...not once, but twice.

Had a friend of mine that was "smart" enough to get one in the Navy....while on a ship...while out to sea....what was he thinking?

Farzam
12-21-2007, 05:02 PM
I've already had testicle surgery...I think I could handle it again

B18C5MK1
12-21-2007, 05:26 PM
getting a vasectomy is still not 100% effective. the ownage could be reversed in this situation if she tells him to take a paternity test. my gf's uncle after having 4 kids got a vasectomy... her aunt became prego. they almost got a divorce because he thought she was cheating on him... she told him to take a paternity test with her to prove she had not cheated and that the kid is his... low and behold... the kid is his... number 5...

http://wiki.answers.com/Q/Is_a_vasectomy_100_percent_guaranteed_birth_contro l

http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/sex_relationships/facts/sterilisation_men.htm

DALAZ_68
12-21-2007, 07:13 PM
getting a vasectomy is still not 100% effective. the ownage could be reversed in this situation if she tells him to take a paternity test. my gf's uncle after having 4 kids got a vasectomy... her aunt became prego. they almost got a divorce because he thought she was cheating on him... she told him to take a paternity test with her to prove she had not cheated and that the kid is his... low and behold... the kid is his... number 5...

http://wiki.answers.com/Q/Is_a_vasectomy_100_percent_guaranteed_birth_contro l

http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/sex_relationships/facts/sterilisation_men.htm


thats probably because they didnt wait the recomended 90 day no sex period...:naughty:

RedStage
12-24-2007, 09:33 AM
thats probably because they didnt wait the recomended 90 day no sex period...:naughty:

That would probably answer my question about my friend having it done while we were out to sea....

by the time we got back to homeport, he must have been capping off blanks...makes sense now.

jrbump
12-24-2007, 03:22 PM
Right after my vasectomy I figured what the hell and tried to see if I could bust one more kid out. I must have been depleted right away, LOL.

When I went in for it I was kinda hoping for a cute nurse to shave my chassis. Instead I got a middle aged grandma who pretty much hit it dry, then asked about my kids. I was like don't touch that and ask about my kids, WTF!

Oh and that story is pretty old and willing to bet not true. It just smacks of one of those "I wish" tales.

Matej
12-24-2007, 04:15 PM
What's sad is that this happens all the time, minus the vasectomy part, watch out for skezzies like that.

eastcoastS14
12-24-2007, 04:39 PM
so wait.....does that mean that nothing comes out at all? or just like not sperm?......cause the best part of the whole thing is openin the valve and relieving the pressure

jrbump
12-24-2007, 05:25 PM
Actual little swimmers make up a very small percentage of your ejaculate.

As long as you give about two days spacing between and better yet eat all those suppliments you'll be shooting like a fireman everytime.

eastcoastS14
12-24-2007, 06:05 PM
^^ haha I already do....shit is like a sniper rifle


as long as the juices can still flow thats all that matters

ryguy
12-24-2007, 06:06 PM
haha women. Things like this add to my distrust of every single one of them.

RedStage
12-24-2007, 06:36 PM
/\ as if bleeding for seven days and not dying isn't reason enough?

DreamN
12-24-2007, 07:11 PM
^ that's not a trust issue, that's complete and incomprehensible fear.

Squirrel82
12-24-2007, 09:54 PM
Great story.