jokes an jokes an jokes

[illvialuver]

I didn't see a thread for this, but if you got jokes share them here. I think it would be a good way to have a laugh or two.

Ill start....


2 condoms are walkin in front of a gay bar what does one condom say to the next one?

" do you wanna go get shit faced?"

the only rule i can think of is try not to be too rude with the jokes, try to hold back on the racist jokes.
yeah mine isn't too p.c but its funny.

[DRavenS13]

Too bad I can't write stuff here in Spanish... I know a gang of Pepito jokes but they're all in Spanish and they don't sound as funny in English for some reason....

[C. Senor]

^just write them in spanish and people can translate them online if they want.

[projekt_s13]

Too bad I can't write stuff here in Spanish... I know a gang of Pepito jokes but they're all in Spanish and they don't sound as funny in English for some reason....

oh shit! the pepito jokes, haven't heard any of those in a long time. lol

[Turtle]

Put pepito jokes, many people like myself, can translate to others. =]

[DRavenS13]

From what I remember correctly, the forum rules prohibit speaking in foreign tongues. Sorry Doods.

[illvialuver]

damn all them posts and not a single joke what a tease, and a shame.

[DRavenS13]

Hey you started the thread, so keep em coming. Motivate the rest of us, haha.

[azndoc]

Why did Alex cross the street.

Because his peepee was stuck in the chicken.

Oh..... I make myself laugh so hard.

[DRavenS13]

Lil Johnny is comparable to Pepito. Here goes.

Little Johnny sees his mother walk out of the shower and sees her vagina.

He asks her what it is and she embarassed replies, "Oh, that's mommy's black sponge."

A few days later, Johnny spills a glass of milk on the floor and says, "Mommy, I need your black sponge to mop up the milk!"

She replies, "I lost it, honey."

A couple of days later, he comes running up to her and says, "Mommy, I found your black sponge!" Mystified, she says, "Where, honey?"

Little Johnny says, "It's over at Mrs. Johnson's house, and Daddy's washing his face in it!"

******************
One day in school, the teacher decides to play 20 questions.

So the teacher says "OK kids, I am thinking of something round, and red"

Little Suzy pipes up "I know, it's a tomato".

"No but you're thinking, it's an apple" replies the teacher.

So Little Johnny stands up, places his hand in his pocket and says "I am holding onto something that is round, hard, and has a head on it"

"Go to the principals office" says the teacher.

"No but you're thinking", say Johnny, "It's a quarter"

[DRavenS13]

One day three blondes were driving in the middle of nowhere when their car broke down. They got out and looked around at their surroundings.

Finally, the first blonde says, "I'm gonna go look for some food."
The other two blondes say, "Why?".
"So we can eat of course." says the first blonde.

Once the first blonde comes back the second blonde says, "I'm going to go get some water".
"Why" asked the other two.
"So we can drink it if we get thirsty of course".

Once the second blonde gets back the third blonde goes and tears off the car door.
"Whats that for?" asked the other two.

" In case we get hot we can roll down the window."

[illvialuver]

ok blonde jokes?
a blonde is drivein down the freeway when she notices another blonde in the middle of a dirt feild with a row boat and she is rowwing.

so she can't stop thinking about this and says to herself, thats the kind of blonde that gives the rest of us bad names.

so she goes back to the field where she is rowwing and the girl is still there.

she walks to the levee and yells to the girl
" what the hell do you think you're doing?"
"rowwing" replies the other blonde
and the blonde on the levee replys
"don't you know that your the kind of blonde that gives the rest of us bad reps"
the 2nd blonde says "so"
1st blonde"what?!?!? if i could swim I would swim out there and beat your ass"

how did the blonde see what was on the other side of a chainlink fence?
she jumped it,
and for the record I started the thread to read funny jokes, not becuas eI thought mine were funnier than anyone elses

[Nachtmensch]

why do midgets laugh when they run?









**because the grass tickles their balls

[DRavenS13]

What's the difference between a blonde and a 747?

Not everyone's been on a 747.

A blonde went to buy a Pizza and after ordering, the assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.

"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"


How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, one to hold the light bulb and one to spin the ladder around.



A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender IS blonde and the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall blonde, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is a blonde, 6' 2, weighs 225 and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6' 5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[trust187]

So a priest, a rabbi , and a jew walk into the bar and then the bartender says "Wait a minute is this some sort of joke ?"

[Anto]

if women with big boobs work at hooters, where do women with one leg work at?



I-Hop

[HWYKING]

there are 3 girls stranded on an island after their plane crashes. a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. as they walk down the beach shore they stumble upon a genie lamp. the brunette rubs the lamp and a genie comes out says "ill grant you each 1 wish." so the brunette goes first and wishes to be back home in the states, BOOM shes back home. the redhead goes next and wishes to Also be back in the states, BOOM shes back at home safe and sound. the blonde goes next and says, "geeze its so lonely out here now. i miss my friends i wish they were still here," BOOM and they come back.

[DRavenS13]

I gotta put in some gender jokes....



What a Woman Says:

"This place is a mess! C'mon,
You and I need to clean up.
Your stuff is lying on the floor,
and if we don't do laundry right now
you'll have no clothes to wear."

What a Man Hears:

blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES.



A guy comes home one day to find his wife rubbing milk all over her breasts. Curiously he asks her why she is doing this. She replies that she has read that if you rub milk on your breasts they get bigger. He looks at her for a moment and says then you should have used toilet paper. Why asks his wife? He replies because it's done a hell of a job on your ass!



God was talking to Adam and asked Adam which he wanted first, the good news or the bad news.

Adam chose the good news.

God told him he had made something for him: it would never wear out, it was warm and slick, it felt good, and would give a tremendous amount of pleasure in his lifetime.

Adam said that is great and asked what could possibly be the bad news.

God said that he put a woman in charge of it.

[EvilRB]

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they have "covertly" funded a project with the the U.S. auto makers for the past 5 years whereby the auto makers were installing black-box voice recorders in 4-wheel drive pickup trucks & SUV's in an effort to determine in fatal accidents, the circumstances of the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 45 of 50 states, the recorded last words of the drivers in 61.2% of the fatal crashes were, " OH S==T!"

Only the states of Texas, Arkansas, Mississippi, Louisiana & Alabama were different where 89.3% of the final words were "HOLD MY BEER, I'M GONNA TRY SOMETHIN'"!!!

[Mr.S14]

OK my turn...

This man was walking on the beach of rosarito when he tripped over an object, he turned to look and saw a gene pop out, "I shall grant you one wish", says the gene, the man pondered for abit and rose up to his feet pround, "my wish is, for the best tasting tequila as my piss", the gene grants it. The man peed in his hand, smelled it, than stuck out his tongue and tasted,"holy shit that the best tasting tequila!!" he went home in a hurry and said,"honey honey, get some shot glasses out, we are going to taste the best tequila!" she comes out and places them on the table, he whips out his dick and begins to piss,"what!? get that shit out of here" she says,he grabs a shot and takes it,"see its tequila", she grabs her shot and takes it aswell,"oh wow you werent kidding" a couple of days pass of their drinking habits, she comes home and finds him drinking by himself, "wheres mine hunny?", he looks up at her with a smile,"today babe your drinking out of the bottle"


HEYO!!!

[DRavenS13]

A third grade teacher came in to the room one day and found a drawing of a penis on the blackboard. She suspiciously looked at her students but didn't say anything. Instead, she rubbed it off. The next day, she came in and saw another drawing of an even bigger penis on the board. She frowns and rubs it off. The third day, she came in and saw another penis drawn on the board. This time, it's huge, covering up almost half of the space.

She couldn't take it anymore so she screams out to the room full of noisy children, "Why do you kids like drawing this penis on the board? And why is it getting bigger each day?"

Little Johnny then screams out back to her, "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."

***************

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in her grades. There is really nothing to do and all the kids are restless. The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here I'm smart and will answer the question".

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'? Before Johnny could open his mouth, Joya said, "Abraham Lincoln". The teacher said, "That's right Joya. You can go".

Johnny was MAD. The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King". "That's right Mary. You can go".

Johnny was even MADDER than before. The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Marol said, "John Kennedy". "That's right Marol. You can go".

Johnny was BOILING MAD. Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these women would keep their mouths shut".

The teacher asked, "WHO SAID THAT?" Johnny said, "BILL CLINTON, CAN I GO NOW?"


******************

A grade school teacher gave the assignment to her class, that each student should think of a story and then a moral for that story to share with the class the next day. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, and little Suzy raises her hand.

"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story and Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Next little Lucy offers to tell her story, and she says, "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the story and Lucy replies, "Don't count your eggs before they're hatched."

Finally it's little Johnny's turn and he says, "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a machine gun, a machete, and a case of beer. On the way down he drank the case of beer." "Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

The teacher looks in shock at Johnny and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story and Johnny replies, "Don't mess with uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

*******************

A male pastor walked into a neighborhood pub to use the restroom.

The place was hopping with music and dancing, until people saw the pastor.

As the room quieted down he walked up to the redhead bartender, and asked her,

"May I please use the restroom?"

The redhead replied, "I really don't think you should."

"Why not?" the pastor asked. "I really need to use a restroom!"

"Well, I don't think you should. There is a statue of a naked woman in there and she's only covered by a fig leaf!"

"Nonsense," said the pastor, "I'll look the other way!"

So, the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs, and he proceeded to the restroom.

After a few minutes, he came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again! He went to the bartender and said, "Miss, I, don't understand. When I came in here, the place was hopping with music and dancing. Then the room became absolutely quiet. I went to the restroom, and now the place is hopping again."

"Well, now you're one of us!" said the redhead. "Would you like a drink too?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor.

"You see," laughed the redhead, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink?"

[Kn1ves]

so this guy walks into a bar
he is an alcoholic, he stays in the bar to forget about his wife who he found was cheating on him 3 months ago. their kids always wonder where their dad is. he's about to kill himself.

[89dc240]

so this guy walks into a bar
he is an alcoholic, he stays in the bar to forget about his wife who he found was cheating on him 3 months ago. their kids always wonder where their dad is. he's about to kill himself.

Hmm, was that a little personal background info, or does this turn into something funny?

There's some good ones here, keep it up everybody.

[EvilRB]

so this guy walks into a bar
he is an alcoholic, he stays in the bar to forget about his wife who he found was cheating on him 3 months ago. their kids always wonder where their dad is. he's about to kill himself.

Is there more?? Thats kinda depressing......:ugh:

I was expecting to laugh reading this now me sad :-/

[ayuaddict]

so this guy walks into a bar
he is an alcoholic, he stays in the bar to forget about his wife who he found was cheating on him 3 months ago. their kids always wonder where their dad is. he's about to kill himself.

LOL! thats awesome!

YEAAAAAAaaaaaaaaa........fuck...

[BustedS13]

so this guy walks into a bar
he is an alcoholic, he stays in the bar to forget about his wife who he found was cheating on him 3 months ago. their kids always wonder where their dad is. he's about to kill himself.

best joke i've heard in weeks. i've told it to half my office.

[HWYKING]

2 scientists doing a study at a local mental hospital. one of the scientists believe that there is an imposter among the patients and has a plan to weed him out.

heres the plan, one of the scientists will draw a door on the wall with knob and everything and ask the patients to form a line asks them one by one to try and open it. one by one the patients are trying to open the door and failing at it, but theres one guy off to the side cracking up at these guys, "you guys will never get in!"

so the scientists spot him and walk over to talk to him. one of the scientists ask him, "excuse me your name please?" guy keeps laughin.."your name please!" guy continues laughin.."what the hell is so damn funny??" patient responds..." I HAVE THE KEY!"

[supad0rk]

A cop sitting outside of the bar watches as everyone leaves and spots a man stumbling out. After he falls over multiple times and fumbles for his keys, he finally gets in his car. The cop waits for him to start up the car but the man falls asleep, shortly after everyone else gets in their car and drives away. After fifteen minutes the man finally wakes up and starts up his car, and the cop immediately drives over and puts on his lights.

He gives him every test that he can think of, but the man turns out to be perfectly sober. Dumbfound the cop asks him, "I saw you stumbling out completely drunk out of your mind, what the hell is the deal?"

The man smiles at him and says, "I was the decoy tonight."

--------------------

Three men are walking their dogs and decide to go to a local bar. As they get to the door the bouncer glares at them and says, "No dogs allowed."

They walk away discouraged until one of them stops to think, "You know what, we'll just wait until he changes shifts and we'll pretend we are blind and these are our seeing eye dogs" They all agree and sit around the corner waiting for the shift change.

Finally they see the new bouncer arrive, the first man goes up to the bouncer and is let in after explaining he is blind. Surprised the other two quickly go to catch up to him and try to get in. All is fine until the last man goes up and the bouncer looks at him funny. "You have a chihuahua for a seeing eye dog?"

Quickly the man stammers, "They gave me a chihuahua?!"

[Zenki_S14]

so this guy walks into a bar
he is an alcoholic, he stays in the bar to forget about his wife who he found was cheating on him 3 months ago. their kids always wonder where their dad is. he's about to kill himself.

Something similar to this joke. Two guys walked into a bar, one turns to the other and says, "What, you didn't see it either?"

Took me a while to get the joke, but when I did, wow, I was laughing so hard. Haha.

[s13silvia03]

A local bar regular had been drinking all night. This particular night the regular drank a little more than usual.

The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the regular stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 3 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face.

He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting loudly. "So, you've been out drinking again!!" "What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look. "The bar called, you left your wheelchair there again."

[89dc240]

^haha, Lol'd at that one



Did you ever see a dead animal on the road? Where was he at in relation to the side of the road? Do you ever stop to think, "hey, I wonder if he was just startin out, or if he was Really REALLY CLOSE, and BAM!!! Fucked."

[cgtdream]

Hope some of you dont mind dead baby jokes then....

"whats harder than nailing a dead baby to a tree????"


"My hard-on as i swing the hammer"



Yea, dead baby jokes are horrible blah blah, but its no worste than others out there.....

[iLLeGaLaKKoRd]

more! more! lol

EDIT: lol i didn't mean the dead baby jokes, i meant all the other jokes hehe

[DRavenS13]

A little girl and her mother were out and about.

Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"

The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."

The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."

The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation.

The girlfriend said, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."

Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again.

The little girl started off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."

The mother was very shocked. She asked, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"

The little girl shrugged and said, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."

"Where did you learn that?"

The little girl said, "I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."

***********************

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

*****************

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

*****************************

Types of People You Meet in the Men's Restroom

EXCITABLE: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.

SOCIABLE: Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.

CROSSEYED: Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.

TIMID: Can't piss if someone's watching, flushes urinal, comes back later.

INDIFFERENT: All urinals being used, pisses in sink.

CLEVER: No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on floor.

WORRIED: Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.

FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or bug.

ABSENT-MINDED: Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.

CHILDISH: Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.

SNEAK: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in next stall will get blamed.

PATIENT: Stands very close for a long while waiting, reads with free hand.

DESPERATE: Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.

TOUGH: Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it.

EFFICIENT: Waits until he has to crap, then does both.

FAT: Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shoe.

LITTLE: Stands on box, falls in, drowns.

DRUNK: Holds right thumb in left hand, pisses in pants.

DISGRUNTLED: Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.

CONCEITED: Holds two-inch dick like a baseball bat.

RADICAL: Ignores urinal. Pisses on wall.

***********************
EDIT: I had to edit this one in. It was too funny.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous that he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

The next Sunday, he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon when he got nervous, he took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

Sip the vodka; don't gulp.
There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey; he did not "bet his ass."
We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior, and the spook.
David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit outta him.
When David was hit by a stone and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
We don't refer to the cross as the "Big T."
When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper, he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the cherry."
The recommended grace before a meal is not "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."
There will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

[89dc240]

Haha, I'm frivoulous.

[Zero_SX]

haha im not gonna lie, i'm frivolous as well.

Teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings
are the only animals that stutter," she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered," she
volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he
jumped over the fence into our yard!

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl.

"My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...And before he
could say "Fuck," the rottweiler ate him!"

[89dc240]

Say you have sex every day for 365 days. At the end of the year you melt down all the rubbers, and mold it into say,, a tire. What do you call it?

A Fucking GOODYEAR.

[Farzam]

Something similar to this joke. Two guys walked into a bar, one turns to the other and says, "What, you didn't see it either?"

Took me a while to get the joke, but when I did, wow, I was laughing so hard. Haha.

Elaborate on this concept.

[89dc240]

I think it's supposed to go:

Two guys walk into a bar, one says Ouch...

From there, I dunno

[Kn1ves]

so these two muffins go into the oven

one says: hey its kinda hot in here

the other says: HOLY CRAP A TALKING MUFFIN!

[exitspeed]

I say this one all the time.

How many ADD kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Wanna go ride bikes?

[89dc240]

An oldy, but a goody.

Superman is flyin around one day(he's real) and he' decides he needs to get some fun box. So he says to himself, ya know- I think I'll head to the coast, theres bound to be some hot young girls over there. Well he gets over the beach, and there he sees none other than Super Woman. Now Superman has always had a thing for Superwoman, but for whatever reason, she never gave it up. And she's there, sunbathing, NUDE! He says, hey-I can get over there, fuck the shit out of her and be gone before she even knows whats goin on.

So he swoops down, gets his rocks off and flies away, happy as shit. Now Superwoman had only felt a little thud, so she's like,, What the Hell was that?

And the Invisible man says, Damn I dunno, but my ASS HURTS!

[BOOSTLOVER]

Ya know how to find a blind man at a nude beach?









it's not hard

[DRavenS13]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

**************************

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell that by mistake happened to end up in a man's head.

She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.

"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and again she yelled:

"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE!!?"

Then she heard a voice from far, far away:

"Hello! We're down here..."

***********************

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."

"Well, tell me!" the man said.

The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."

"Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"

"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."

"If that's the good news than what's the great news?!", Mr. Wilkens demanded.

The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."

***********************

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money and was a real miser when it came to his money.

He loved money more than just about anything.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.

He made her promise with all her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!' She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband!"

She said, "Listen, I'm a Christian. I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him.

"You mean to tell me you really put that money in the casket with him!?

"I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a check."

Never Underestimate The Intelligence of a Woman.

******************************************

What's the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

How do you know when you're really ugly?
Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.

How do you know when you're leading a pathetic life?
When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends."

Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people could have sex, too.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."

[Dorifto89]

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed after having sex.

The chicken lights a cigarette.

The egg says, "Well I guess we figured out THAT question."


**********************************************

[B18C5MK1]

did you hear about the agnostic dyslectic insomniac?
he stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.

[240_whore]

You're so stupid you thought TacoBell was a phone company in Mexico.

You're so stupid, you tripped on a cordless phone.

You're so stupid, you read these jokes and think that they're original.

You're so stupid, you saw a sign that said "wet floor" and did.

You're so stupid, you laughed at any of the above three.

[daryl337]

Michael Jackson is sitting at the neverland ranch with his monkey, and 4 little boys in the hot tub.

Suddenly, a glop of sperm floats up to the surface... to which michael replies



... "Ok..... who farted?"





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What is arguably one of the most costly things in the world? A girl who is free for the evening


--------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her. Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------


A man was constipated, so he decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him and explained, "I'm going to give you some suppositories. I'll insert one now, and then I'll give you another one for later this evening."

Later that evening, the man asks has his wife to insert the suppository. She agrees reluctantly, then puts one hand on his shoulder and inserts the suppository. Suddenly, her husband shrieks, "Aahhhhh!"

"What's wrong? Did I hurt you?" she asks. "No... I just realized that the doctor had *both* his hands on my shoulders!"

[240_whore]

Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

Haha that one brought this to mind:

Why shouldn't wives drive?









Ever see a road between the kitchen and the bedroom?

[BPMKA24DE]

SORRY THE SPELING ITS BAD SO GOOD LUCK LAUGHING!

a guy at a office was inlove, this blondie would eye fuck the shit out of him for years, he wanted a kiss her at least once.

so she gets married, the guy feels sad so he decided to open hes heart and talk.

since she had no feeling for him he decided to go ALL OUT!

so he goes to he and says "why did you get married, youre the only one i want, pls let me fuck you once for $100! so i die in pce! pls pls, hes like ill do it fast less than a second, ill drop the $100 bil on the floor by the time you pick it up-im DONE!"

so he comes up with that request every day!!!

she gets ennoyed and tells her blond BF!

the BF say "pshshe what a clown, just let him do it and make it $200 for both of us!"

she says "Ok hun"

so he drops her off @ the office @ night, as they planned.

she goes up.....10 min...15..40...1 hour...the BF was like WTF! whats going on? is she flaked on me?......

so after hour she comes down crying!!! the BF asks what happen?

she replies "the bastard used coins!"

[PhilthyS13]

What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?


On a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside.

[89dc240]

Don't laugh at this one:

The difference between a vacuum cleaner and a harley davidson? Position of the dirtbag.

Laugh at this one:

So I'm doin this girl, and we'd been goin at it for weeks. One night, she says to me, she's like, "Hey Will, you think we could um, you know... try it in the other hole?"

I was like, "WHAT, Hell NO! You could get pregnant that way. Damn!"

[JohnC]

Not really good at jokes but here goes.

A guy wakes up one morning to find a small penis growing from the middle of his forehead.
He puts a hat on and he rushes to the doctor all worried.
Guy says: "hey Doc , I got a penis growing out of my head"
Doc: "thats the first time I have seen that happen"
Guy: "what should I do?"
Doc: "I think you should keep your hat on and take a trip to South America for about a month. Come back and we will have a look at it again"
Without knowing how that would help the guy takes the doc's advice.
He comes back a month later to the Doctor only to show him that despite his advice the penis in now a couple of inches long.
Guy: "Doc, I did what you said but it didn't help. What can I do?"
Doc: "You need to take a longer trip. Take a couple months off. take a trip to the far east, get in touch with your self, see the sites. After two months come back and we will have another look"
The guy goes on a two month trip to the far east, tries to get in touch with him self but the penis kept growing. Guy comes back to the Doctor with a 10 inche long penis.
Guy: "Doc, I dont know what to do, I need to wear a sombrero to cover it up. What can I do I am going crazy".
Doc: "Honestly, the situation looks very bad for you. What you need is a trip around the world on a cruise boat. Take a year off , see the sites and come back after that"
The guy gets angry and says to the doc "What kind of doctor are you? I came to you with a 1/2 inch penis on my head and now I am hung like a horse and all you are telling me is to take long trips and go see the world. What good will that do?"

Doc: "It wont help much but I suggest you do as I say because you wont be able to see shit once the balls start to grow"