How To Poop At Work

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HOW TO POOP AT WORK

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for having a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING : When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY : This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again.
Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE: This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it.
No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK : When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover.
If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH : The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME : Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER : This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm.
Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) : A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS : A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR : This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH : A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Coughis very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE : An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON : A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident.
If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET : A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee.
Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire and COURTESY FLUSH !

UNCLE TODD : An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.

[steve shadows]

I love it! haha


yeah what the hell is up with uncle todds?

does my shit smell that good? i know its brilliance but good god, sometimes i can even handle it

and these people throw down a picnic blanket and take bong loads of my crap clouds up their nose.

its mind boggling, they really hate thier cubicles i guess, Broom is better

[TheSquidd]

I love it! haha


yeah what the hell is up with uncle todds?

does my shit smell that good? i know its brilliance but good god, sometimes i can even handle it

and these people throw down a picnic blanket and take bong loads of my crap clouds up their nose.

its mind boggling, they really hate thier cubicles i guess, Broom is better

My buddy is an Uncle Todd, he calls me while he's dumping, he's in there for like an HOUR. Just hates working.

[azndoc]

LOLz that shit was awesome.

Those nicknames I shall use from now on. Thanks. for the info.

[kdashy]

Turd Burglars.

I hate them.

[liv2drift045]

haha fav post today

[jrmiller84]

Everyone should practice the courtesy flush.


Also, know what's great for taking a dump?? A nintendo DS. I've almost beaten my 2nd game just off of dropping deuces at work. Needless to say I stay in the bathroom quite a bit more now though. :keke:

[sleepy_s13]

thats good stuff i used to hate taking shits at work. the restroom was in the break room

[Mathetai]

LOLz that shit was awesome.

Litterally! :D

[Andrew Bohan]

none of that bs here

we are proud of our poo, announce when we're going, and describe it when we are done.

[Wahl 136]

none of that bs here

we are proud of our poo, announce when we're going, and describe it when we are done.

Same at my work they are all self described Out of the Closet Poopers and proud of it.

[RJF]

OK, Zilvia has officially hit bottom with this thread.

[kensreliableb18b]

Hahahahahahahahahahaha

Why Laugh? Because Its So True! Damn Those Burglars And Uncles!!!

[sean350z]

Fly-by/Safe Haven FTW :rofl:

[TheSquidd]

OK, Zilvia has officially hit bottom with this thread.

I know you're joking but...

IT's that kind of attitude that makes Zilvia suck ass 99% of the time.

[TiNMAN]

funny thing is nobody is ever embarassed at my school. you can easily catch 3 stalls being used at the same time on any given day. but then again i go to school with a bunch of artists :cj:

[s13gold]

ahahaahah i laughed so hard!

its the walk of shame that got me.

[DrtyRat]

+1 Oh man that was great....I'm printing this and taking it to work!!!


I know you're joking but...

IT's that kind of attitude that makes Zilvia suck ass 99% of the time.

Did I miss something?

[eastcoastS14]

hahaha hilarious...I was a turd burglar once, I lifeguard and i went to use the port o potty....door was half locked, like in between the red and green...started pullin on the door, thought it was broken....fuckin strong armed the thing and yanked it open ahhahaa some dude in there yells "hey what the fuck are you doing?" haha he was pissin tho still was awkward...could have been a lot worse

football locker room in high school kids used to call ppl to come look at the huge dump they just took lol....high school was weird

[gorgasm]

hahaha fuck.
guilty of getting turd burgled and camo coughing today.

[xblack240x]

Someone that works at an office or something should send this as an anonymous memo to everyone :bigok:

[ms!3]

hahahahahaha, i laughed so hard at the turd burglar.

[speedstar01]

Everyone should practice the courtesy flush.


Also, know what's great for taking a dump?? A nintendo DS. I've almost beaten my 2nd game just off of dropping deuces at work. Needless to say I stay in the bathroom quite a bit more now though. :keke:

haha i love this thread! you read my mind! the DS is great bathroom companion. especially when avoiding some troubles outside the pooper. personally i find it relaxing to play that newer Tetris game :):love: i love to play my DS on the pooper, so what! :bigok:

and yes turd burglers suck...awkward!!!

[4thHorse]

You forgot the Phantom Crapper, The guy that leaves his dump and doesn't flush.

[eastcoastS14]

hahah i think i would die laughing if i ever came into a bathroom and heard tetris music coming from a stall

[2slow2go]

omg this is funny

[Andrew Bohan]

dude tetris is the shit whilst shitting

i used to play on my razr all the time at my old job.

[C. Senor]

lol that was very entertaining....lol fuckin scenarios make me laugh because i can see them all happening....lmao.

[fliprayzin240sx]

Haha...I hated taking a shiet at work. I would literally walk out of the building go across the way to use the bathroom in that building (same squadron different shop), just cuz I know theyre all usually working at another building and I can poop in peace there. If i try to use our bathroom, whats the chances that you can poop in peace when your flight has over 50 guys and theres 2 male bathrooms in the bldg. 2 stalls each for a total of 4 stalls...

[BC240]

Crop Dusting FTW

[TOMKAIRA93]

LOL...my favorite subject...j/k....man, I've been crop dusting my offices for 10 years now and dumping almost every day. It's a ritual, it's a break from work and nap time as well, study time and game time. How can you not take a dump at work?

[Evil240]

all this isnt too bad. In my department, we have this one guy who never washes his hands. NEVER. i've seen him walk out of a stall (taking a crap) and right back to work. seen him zip up from the urinal and walk right out. i was subtle at first... by emailing proper restroom hygiene to everyone in my deptarment, but it didnt even phase him. He never skipped a beat... kept walking out. pretty much all the guys in my department have now noticed, and i even make it simple. While in convo, i will state something like... "dude... thats disgusting... thats as bad as taking a shit and not washing your hands after".. fugg.. doesnt make a difference, he still doesnt wash them hands!!!!

[projekt_s13]

Damn turd burglers, dont you hate when you have to tug-o-war with door. You always have to shout "WTF!!".

[cgtdream]

:D lol, funniest thread evar

[Grendel]

all this isnt too bad. In my department, we have this one guy who never washes his hands. NEVER. i've seen him walk out of a stall (taking a crap) and right back to work. seen him zip up from the urinal and walk right out. i was subtle at first... by emailing proper restroom hygiene to everyone in my deptarment, but it didnt even phase him. He never skipped a beat... kept walking out. pretty much all the guys in my department have now noticed, and i even make it simple. While in convo, i will state something like... "dude... thats disgusting... thats as bad as taking a shit and not washing your hands after".. fugg.. doesnt make a difference, he still doesnt wash them hands!!!!

Seems like 90% of the guys in my shop walk out after pissing without washing their hands... it is pretty nasty.

Haven't seen anyone walk out after shitting without washing though...

[speedstar01]

hahah i think i would die laughing if i ever came into a bathroom and heard tetris music coming from a stall

lol that happened to me once when i was really getting into a game of tetris and forgot to turn the music down:rolleyes: the guy who walked in and heard me asked

"are you....playing video games in there???"

i quickly silenced my gameboy DS and responded

"haha what? no! what are you talking about?":cool: sneaky sneaky

+1 for DS-DUMPERS!!!!

[Andrew Bohan]

one time i was at a tkd tournament, and my teammate and i both had to shit at the same time, so we went in bathroom and picked the two stalls furthest away from each other.

after a minute i hear "beep beep booo bamp beep beeep"

and i said "dude are you playing video games?"

and he said "yep"

no shame...




then another time i was at paddy's with some friends getting coffee, and after 3 huge free coffees i had to take what felt like 3 huge shits. so the guy there let me into the ladies room (place was closed anyway) and i grabbed a stall and had the most foul smelling shit ever.

i finished and right as i was about to open the stall door, a lady walked in, and grabbed the stall right next to me (out of like 5 stalls). she peed and i could hear it well. i wonder if she could smell me. i had to wait in there forever while she finished and then washed her hands, checked her makeup, whatever else they do. seemed like forever. then i had to wait some more to make sure she was looooong gone when i came out. that sucked

[ALTRNTV]

Funny how only dudes responded to this thread. Hahahaha

[S13-Silvia]

Single toilet at my work. All I gots to worry about is putting toilet paper on the seat as a toilet seat cover. Same time every day.

[eastcoastS14]

all this isnt too bad. In my department, we have this one guy who never washes his hands. NEVER. i've seen him walk out of a stall (taking a crap) and right back to work. seen him zip up from the urinal and walk right out. i was subtle at first... by emailing proper restroom hygiene to everyone in my deptarment, but it didnt even phase him. He never skipped a beat... kept walking out. pretty much all the guys in my department have now noticed, and i even make it simple. While in convo, i will state something like... "dude... thats disgusting... thats as bad as taking a shit and not washing your hands after".. fugg.. doesnt make a difference, he still doesnt wash them hands!!!!


hahaha thats fuckin nasty....dont shake that dudes hand lol

[speedstar01]

^^^ or have thumb wars with that individual....no matter how boring work gets!

[ctm_motortrends]

Holy Shit this is funny as hell. Thank you for posting this I laughing so hard I'm crying.

[Mathetai]

I was guilty of turd burglaring like 5 minutes ago LOL. This fool should have locked the door!

[EAS13]

I worked at this one place where every so often, you'd walk into the stall and there'd be a turd behind the toilet.... Just to be clear, it would be laying on the floor in the space between the wall and the toilet base.

Aside from the fact that no one could figure out who was doing it, we were all kinda curious how the person managed it. I mean physically it would take some serious gyrations and pooping force to get a turd down in there. You'd have to lean and angle yourself perfectly and then fire the turd out with a perfect trajectory....anyway, you see the point.... So either the guy was a pooping genius or he was grabbing the turd and moving it.

Also, I hate side by side stalls, I like a nice isolated stall, )preferably handicapped for maxium comfort).. I was in some ghetto, narrow assed stall once and someone reached over and grabbed my foot. I was like WTF!!! The guy just laughed. Needless to say, I finished my business and got the F out of there. I mean normally, actions like that require retaliation. But when you're dealing with turds, I think it's safer to just evacuate the area.

[axiomatik]

god, I hope you washed your foot too. The responses to this thread are funnier than the original post (maybe cuz this list is at least ten years old)

[thatdrifterguy]

gotta add this.

CLAPPER: subtle claps. used for similar situations as the astaire and camo cough

that way, for loOoOong havanna omelets, its best to do the courtesy flush, camo cough, ultra astaire, and the clapper:aw:

try it, it works:bigok: lol

[speedstar01]

I worked at this one place where every so often, you'd walk into the stall and there'd be a turd behind the toilet.... Just to be clear, it would be laying on the floor in the space between the wall and the toilet base.

Aside from the fact that no one could figure out who was doing it, we were all kinda curious how the person managed it. I mean physically it would take some serious gyrations and pooping force to get a turd down in there. You'd have to lean and angle yourself perfectly and then fire the turd out with a perfect trajectory....anyway, you see the point.... So either the guy was a pooping genius or he was grabbing the turd and moving it.

Also, I hate side by side stalls, I like a nice isolated stall, )preferably handicapped for maxium comfort).. I was in some ghetto, narrow assed stall once and someone reached over and grabbed my foot. I was like WTF!!! The guy just laughed. Needless to say, I finished my business and got the F out of there. I mean normally, actions like that require retaliation. But when you're dealing with turds, I think it's safer to just evacuate the area.

holy shit ballz! if a guy grabbed my foot while pooping in a narrow ass stall i would have ZERO inspiration to finish the poop. and as for the pooping genius dropping crazy impossible loads behind toilets......thats just messed up

more poop stories :) i look foward to reading this thread everyday :love: and then pooping on it! buwahahaha.....lame, yes

[Evil240]

hahaha thats fuckin nasty....dont shake that dudes hand lol

its not just the hand shaking... fugg! half the office doesnt even want to be around/near the dirty foo. what makes it worse is, right after pooping.. (and not washing his hands). he will sit as his desk, and proceed to stuff his face full of junk food. The worse part is he smacks his lips when he eats... LOUD too. its fuggin horrible. The staff and I are just thinking.. "man.. he must really like eating his own fecal matter".

it just really disturbs me that when he finishes at the urinal/toilet... that he can see us... freaking makes eye contact.. and still have the nerve to walk right out. (im usually washing my hands when he is walking out).

DISTURBING!!!!!

ON A SIDE NOTE... I think i might quit this job.... anyone want to go work at U.S. Customs and Immigration with me? hahahaha we can take of the parking lots with silvias

[axiomatik]

......
more poop stories :) i look foward to reading this thread everyday :love: and then pooping on it! buwahahaha.....lame, yes

lol, Triumph approves of this thread.
http://www.nbc.com/photos/Late_Night/Late_Night_with_Conan_O'Brien/1LCOab99.jpg

As an aside, while searching for a pic of Triumph, I found this picture:
http://www.brandflakesforbreakfast.com/uploaded_images/elephant%20poop%20chute-757273.jpg

[speedstar01]

^^ omg just the pic i was looking for! +1 for you :) i like the conin skit with the Star Wars nerds (im a star wars fan) but i dont take it that far :)

[ctm_motortrends]

I worked at this one place where every so often, you'd walk into the stall and there'd be a turd behind the toilet.... Just to be clear, it would be laying on the floor in the space between the wall and the toilet base.

Aside from the fact that no one could figure out who was doing it, we were all kinda curious how the person managed it. I mean physically it would take some serious gyrations and pooping force to get a turd down in there. You'd have to lean and angle yourself perfectly and then fire the turd out with a perfect trajectory....anyway, you see the point.... So either the guy was a pooping genius or he was grabbing the turd and moving it.

Also, I hate side by side stalls, I like a nice isolated stall, )preferably handicapped for maxium comfort).. I was in some ghetto, narrow assed stall once and someone reached over and grabbed my foot. I was like WTF!!! The guy just laughed. Needless to say, I finished my business and got the F out of there. I mean normally, actions like that require retaliation. But when you're dealing with turds, I think it's safer to just evacuate the area.


+1 Green you made me cry again. That's the funniest shit ever..:keke:

[Farzam]

Taking dumps in my apartment rocks cause it already smells like sweat and cabbage so noone's to blame.

[S14Josh]

This thread is great!
I always take a shit at work about the same time everyday, and when i do there is always a turd burglar on the prowl. The bathroom i use is a single toilet room but when someone tries to open the door it echoes really loud inside the room.

I kept getting owned by the same person day after day, so i just waited till i knew the culprit was inside making brown, then i grabbed the door handle and shook that door like there was no tomorrow. All i heard after that was "Ah FUCK! Damnit.........son of a bitch"

Another quick story, we have this guy at my dealership who kicks doors open because he doesnt want to touch them with his hands. Literally this guy walks around kicking doors like he was bred to be door kicking machine. I was downstairs in the main bathroom taking a poop and all of the sudden *BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM* the stall door goes flying open and he walks in. I go "OH NO!" and he stops in the doorway, turns around, and walks out without saying a word. Worst part about it is he didnt even have the decency to close the door he just blasted his foot through. I had to waddle over to the door with my pants around my ankles and shut the door.

[SRpetey]

I used to hate taking a dumps at work until I found a one restroom in the lower level with a lock and a light out side to indicate that it's in use.

It feels like heaven until the light goes out since no movement is bieng detected. Then I find myself taking a dump in the dark. If I have an extra roll of toilet paper I'll throw it across the room to turn the light back on.

[Evil240]

^^thats fuggin hilarious.... hahahaha... just tie it to your belt and swing the toilet paper near the sensor!

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I'm glad to see my POOP thread was such a big hit. Thanks for all the posi reps guys! I think about these everytime I'm blowing mud in the crapper. Some of these storries are awesome. Especially the one where the guy loafed it in back of the toilet. Brilliant! Nothing beats crapping in the sink at the Starbucks in AnaCRIME right near the "Big A"