looking for an outside perspective

[DUFFM4N]

i plan on obviously making my OWN decision here, but it never hurts to hear someone else's outside point of view....so here's the basic run down

me and my girlfriend have been dating for almost 4 years now, we have a 5 month old daughter...we currently live on a 1 lot/2 house kinda deal that her grand parents own, but with the new addition the family, we need more room for our daughter to run around etc etc. so moving has been talked about.

her mother has been wanting to move into a larger home, and just this weekend put a bid on a 5 bedroom 2.5 bath, 3 car garage home out in Fontana CA...she wants me girlfriend and the baby to move in over there and live with them for practically free

now here's where my problem comes in.....me and my girlfriend always argue and fight about things which seems to be every week, causing me to go back to my parents n stay there for a couple days, so when i heard that her mother wanted us to move in with them...that raised a red flag for me. i dont know if i want to get into that sort of situation, i want to be there for my daughter, but lately its been questionable whether or not i still want to be with my girlfriend.

[cdlong]

don't do it. nothing good can come of living with your mother-in-law. if you were broke and it was free, that's one thing, but you didn't seem all that concerned about money. if your mother-in-law sees you two fight and you leave for a few days, she'll use that time to drive a wedge between you two.

[tacotacotaco]

Do what you need to do what you feel will help you best. Its no good being stuck and stressed it just eats away at you. If Moving out and on will help you better take care of your lil girl then do what you gotta do.

[C. Senor]

^ very true, but you can talk to your girl(if you want to move in with your mother-in-law), to try to straighten every thing out before moving in. because if you decide to try to make it work out, you really dont want to be fighting the whole time, and you staying away for a couple days doesnt help the situation either...so if you choose that route have one big long talk and try to come to a middle ground (we all know you cant win with women) if you dont feel you're going to be with your girl for very long dont even think about putting yourself in that situation, you guys can just talk it out like adults, stay friends, and you can very much be involved in your little girl's life. just dont move too far away.

[s13gold]

i dont want to sound like an ass...but move in, live for free, spend time with your daughter and now that the mother is in the same house maybe you guys can work it out.

[DUFFM4N]

cdlong...yeah money isnt the issue, and her mother CAN get on my nerves sometimes

s13coupeluv...i tried talking to my girl about it, and as soon as i mentioned that i didnt think it was a good idea right now for me...she flipped out and gave me this "whatever" attitude, where she just ignored anything i said to her, me staying away from her for a few days helps MY situation, because i hate to admit it, but i have an anger/temper problem...and i wouldnt wanna risk getting to the point where i did something i would regret

s13gold...ur not sounding like an ass at all, its PRACTICALLY free...i would be paying rent which would cover trash pick up/electric/water/internet/satellite...me and my girl currently live together and have TRIED to work things out and come to a common ground, but she just has this attitude that she needs to get WHAT she wants...WHEN she wants it

on a side note...anyone currently in a long term relationship (i.e longer then 2/3 years?) does your girlfriend tell you how to spend the money that you've earned? mine does that, but i could see if i was putting more important things off like bills/groceries/things for the baby...but all responsibilities get taken care of FIRST, before anything like my car or my shoe collection, and she still tries to tell me how to spend my money

[turtl631]

Man, I was gonna post "CRICKETS..." in here, but your post is actually serious. I think living with your GF's mom could drive you pretty crazy, I've been with my GF for about 5 years and we spend most of our time at her house since we both go to college in different cities and don't have our own place when we're at home. After a few weeks of that I get pretty sick of her mom, and that's just hanging out there all the time, not even living there fulltime. It could work if there's really good communication and expectations from the beginning though; leave nothing important unsaid that could bite you in the ass later.

[!Zar!]

Sounds like a typical relationship to me.

I always hear about men who have gf's telling them how to spend their money. They normally abide to what the gf says.

From what I've seen, the gf only starts acting like that after a relationship has been in effect for a decent amount of time.

Sometimes women make up reasons to argue that make no sense. It's sometimes best just to give in even when you know you're right.

I'm not stating this as how to live with her, but more as a statment on how all relationships are and for you not to feel alone.

Don't expect the both of you living together to fix any problems you are having now.

That's why some people get married thinking the problems will disappear. That isn't the case. Nor will it ever be.

Sometimes it is good to get beaten up a little bit. You don't always want to be dependent on being able to go to your parents house. So next time you get into a fight try and deal with it. Just don't do anything you'd regret later...

Use the time you have left before she actually moves to the new location and see if you can truly stand her.

[C. Senor]

damn it sounds like your girl has a real control issue, i'm sorry to hear that, but you will meet people like that. you might want to really think about your place in life and your own attitude, because if you have to leave every once in a while it's definitely not worth. i assume you love this girl, but you have to put yourself in the equation too. if you're constantly stressed out and angry and always doubting something in the relationsup, you will not be able to be the dad/husband/boyfriend that you could be. you are a cool dude, very nice and pleasant, but if you put yourself in that situation will no longer be that dude. as you said you have a temper issue and when your mad you may say or do something you will regret later...my opinion is dont put yourself in a situation where you have a high chance that you may do something stupid, if you can help it....but good luck on whichever way you decide to go.

[WIKID S4TEEN]

Hey Duffm4n,
I was you 8 yrs ago. I use 2 have these problems with my gf.
I don't know if this would work 4 u. But it did for me. We ALWAYS use to fight, especailly about me partying 2 much & my car...spending too much $.
I also cheated on my gf a few times, she caught me once, red handed!!! Oh yeah, i was a dog. After that, she made me decide if I wanted to b with her and our 8 month son, or b on my own.
I decided to go on my own BUT B there for my son, because I knew she would never forget what I've done. To make a long story short, after 2 yrs of f'n around, I finally opened my eyes and realized what I had in front of me.
Something about my boy and the way she loved him and took care of him (especailly when she'd call me @ 3 AM to let me know he was sick with a fever and @ the ER) made me want to be there and a part of this family.
We got back together and married one year after, and have been married since (5yrs and with another boy!). We were both too young and JUST NOT ready for what we had started, a family. I think if it's meant to be, it will, just give it time and respect one another. Oh, 1 thing we talked about B4 we got back together, was my ride. I explained to her that IT WAS NOT just a car and what it meant 2 me!, she and the boys now love it more than I do! Especailly when she sees how much my boys love it, it's like part of the family. She even bought me a new suspension for my Bday:fruit:
Anyhow, enough drama...Hope this helps!
WIKID

[DUFFM4N]

^^damn man that helped a lot, because its EXACTLY what im going through right now...thanks

[woodchuck]

duff - you haven't lost sight of what is important: your daughter.

Moving to a bigger place is what's best for her, but you and your gf need to decide whats best for the both of you.

so you guys fight every week - take a look at the issues on what you guys fight about.
is it about you spending $$$? if your priorities (baby&bills) are taken care of then she shouldn't be hounding you on it.

from what i've read it seems like your gf is preparing for the future. the moving in to a bigger house issue makes her feel that she's not part of your future.

like what s13coupeluv suggested - don't put yourself in a position to do anything you might regret - so try and discuss these issues in a public place so there are watchful eyes on your temper.

[DUFFM4N]

yea of course...ive always been brought up to take care of responsibilities before ANYTHING else...and first on my list is always family

yeah moving to a bigger place is going to be good for my daughter, and my girlfriend said that shes moving into the bigger house regardless whether or not i decide to move with them....

as far as the money thing, that i dont understand...all priorities are taken care of, money is being saved for the future, and "fun" activities get planned also...

this is just something that im going to have to have a good serious talk about with her, and see where it goes from there, lets just hope that she is willing to listen to what i have to say...and me to what she has to say

['90RPS13]

I hope things work out for you duffman. I dont have any helpful advise since I havent held GF's for longer then 5 months.

Wikid sounds like he knows whats up. I dont see where she is coming off with you spending $$$ after everything is paid for? I would be damned if I worked like a dog and couldnt spend money on my car/hobbies. G'Luck bro.

[DUFFM4N]

yeah man...thats what gets me the most...i pay for practically everything since she doesnt have a job...but im not complain about her not working, because right now the most important thing is taking care of our 5 month old daughter, so until she can start working...then i dont see where she is coming off complaining about something like that

[theicecreamdan]

If you can use some of the time living with the mother in law to save up $ and work towards getting your OWN place sooner. I'd go for it. If your arguments are ending up in you needing to run away for a few days every couple weeks then you need to look into that first though. Whether you move into another place or stay where you are that's not healthy. Whatever it is you two are fighting about is not such a big deal that you need to run away from the argument to get it handled. Committed relationships are not easy, you each have to make a conscious effort to get along, or be apart. Growing up in a stable environment is important for healthy child development.

If you can live with your mother in law, you might have time to work LESS than how much you're working now and have more time for both of your girls. It sounds like its time to man up and be the family man now.

I think the first thing the two of you need to do is learn how to argue the right way. If you can BOTH put the effort into that and make it work out, then its worth it.

[mRclARK1]

Your gf just became a new mom, so she's under a lot of stress and doing a lot of adjusting right now. (not implying you didn't already know that :) ) Her telling you how to spend money and the frequent fighting is probably just a symptom of the amount of stress you're both under, and she's probably worried right now, more than anything else.

IMHO what might help is to find someone neutral who you can both agree on, and just talk to them about things together. Get an opinion from someone who can offer an outside perspective and can actually hear and see how you both feel about things. Most of what people say doesn't come out of their mouth...

I'm sure you know you need put your daughter before anything else. I'm not a father so I can't really relate to how you probably feel right now, but I have had a long term relationship that had many of the same things going on that yours seems to (fighting, money issues etc.)... the best advice I can offer; is to try your best to keep your cool and talk about things with your gf while always making sure she never forgets how important she, and your daughter are to you. Communcation above all else I guess is what I'm trying to say.

Hope this helps. :)

[ALTRNTV]

Money matters is the #1 leading cause of relationship problems. If you're running into that now, watch out.

I would move in and see how it goes, if it goes well, then great. If it's the same way, then I would get the hell out of there.

[DRavenS13]

^^^I agree- money matters can completely shatter a relationship when you're not on the same page about where the money's going. Wikid S4teen had a success story, mine is not. I got married way too soon, and we started to argue about money issues all the time. We were living with my mom also, and tension was always there.

My suggestion- find a babysitter, take her out and make a relaxing environment where she feels chill, and talk to her about it. Make rules about how the conversation is gonna go- no yelling, no leaving, let the other have their say, etc. Then bring up your issues in the most non-threatening, non-judgmental way. Let her address them, and go from there. Don't make her feel like you're gonna try to change her mind, or that you're down-playing how she feels, because then she's gonna get defensive, and game over.
And most importantly- I stress this because you mentioned it previously- DO NOT LOSE YOUR TEMPER!!!!

[ALTRNTV]

^
Very good advice from a woman's point of view. :)

[pbcstylez]

whatever you do duffman, i wish you the best of luck... sounds like a rough situation and moving in is gonna make things worst... like 90rps13 i have never been able to hold a relationship until now, n its been a nice year of no problems, but money has never been an issue thats ever been discussed... i guess until that happens i wont know, but i wish you the best of luck with you and your daughter..

[Farzam]

Take her out for a weekend, don't argue, dont' bring anything up...just have fun.

Don't ever do anything you'd regret. Having regret is like having a bullet in you.

Try counseling maybe? And give her a suprise present to a day spa or something like that.

You just gotta be tactical.

[byebye_sti]

Hey man, only read a few posts, but I can see what you're going through. Ive been in my relationship with my girlfriend for almost 4 years with the occasional rough spots. But, yeah anyways, I can definitely relate to whats going on, my girlfriend and I used to fight a lot, and Im talking like everyday over the dumbest things. She gets mad at me for spending my earned money on my car and says its the dumbest reason to waste away my money and that i should spend it on her and blah blah blah give me a break, I do buy her things often but she just wants more. But you know even though all this happens, there are those times that everything is just perfect and you feel like its all alright. Those are the times you need to think about when you guys are fighting. You just have to visualize yourself without her and really see if you would be happier. I know it would probably be alot harder with the girlfriends mother there cause she would always take her side in the arugements, but hey theres always the front door to get out and cool off some steam, and plus, you would get to see your child as much as you should see her.. and that really is the most iimportant thing right? I guess my opinion is to go live with your g/f and daughter and her parents and just take it step by step and try and rebuild the relationship, just remember to think of the good times you had with her and what it would be like without her at those times...hey man thats what i got to offer to you, sorry if i was an ass in anyway with anything that I said. This is how i get by and its been working out great lately! Good-luck man! My best wishes are to you!

[DUFFM4N]

thanx guys...we'll be having a talk sometime this weekend, and we'll see what happens

[byebye_sti]

Good-luck man! Hope it all works out good for you!

[fromxtor]

Here's my $0.02:

I was in the same boat with my gf(now wife), and it got so bad w/ her nagging me about my buying things for both my cars(B15/S13). I did have to put my foot down quite a few times, and say "hey, I don't say a damn thing when you goto Vic's Secret and spend $300 on panties and shit". And at one point she had the gall to say something dumb like,"It's either me or the car." which was way out of line being as though my S13 is a "project car" and I only work on it when I can and not every spare moment. Since then I've moved the car over to a "garage" and w/ it being out of sight its more out of mind. I have a daughter on the way, and lately shes been flaming up about not spending enough on the baby etc. But thats when I say,"would you rather I go out with the boys and spend $100+ a weekend getting pissed and waking up beside some strange woman?Or would you rather I go over to DGs house and lay under my car for a few hours one day a weekend?" I don't know if this is going to have any revalance to your issue, alot of the previous posters have offered up alot of good info. One last bit of advice, it takes two to tango. If you don't reply back to her arguements or let her know in advance your not going to agrue about sed issue that seems to diffuse things.

[DRavenS13]

One more thing- when the s*** in the air blows over, both of you make separate spreadsheets of what you think the budget should be. Then compare them both and compromise and tweak where it needs to be, and be objective- it sucks when you have to sacrifice stuffs that you want, but remember that she will be too. At least if you both can come to an agreement of what and where the money is going, and keep each other informed, then you will diffuse a lot of frustration, while building financial trust in each other, and ultimately making your relationship stronger and healthier for your little girl.

I hope things work out for you and your family.

[vanish1]

dang duff I'd bet money that you end up marrying this girl. Dating for 4 years, a child together, and living together; you are in sooooooo deep that the boulder is rolling too fast down the hill.

On the other hand, if you got the fucking BALLS to correct whats making you unhappy in your life and break up with ur chick, then more power to you. Most men are too afraid to pull this trigger unfortunately

[mRclARK1]

dang duff I'd bet money that you end up marrying this girl. Dating for 4 years, a child together, and living together; you are in sooooooo deep that the boulder is rolling too fast down the hill.

On the other hand, if you got the fucking BALLS to correct whats making you unhappy in your life and break up with ur chick, then more power to you. Most men are too afraid to pull this trigger unfortunately

I don't think he's saying his "chic" is making him unhappy, and even so, especially with a child in the picture, you don't just cut and run to make yourself happy, like you're advocating. A committed relationship isn't about expecting the other person to always make you happy, many times they won't. You make yourself happy with your own life and work together with the other person to make both your lives better. That often means putting the other persons, and especially the childrens interests (if a couple has children) ahead of your own.

A relationship works best, IMHO, when both parties are willing to put the others interests/needs ahead of there own.

[kuramaya]

First
If the majority of your arguements are about you spending money on stuff, then STOP! You have a new child, it is only normal for her now to realise that you guys are no longer #1 and you have to adjust your spending habits.

Second

No fuckin way should you live with your inlaws!

[SochBAT]

Be a Man.

Leonidas would set her in her place, but still be there for the baby.

I know you'll go thru with the right course of action. Zilvia be with you.

[drifter101]

In an argument, dont point out the "you's" or "yours". it makes it seem as if you are attacking her personally. Instead, try to make it about how you feel, using more of the "I have this problem with...." and "I feel as if..". Maybe then she wont be as threatened or persuaded to get as mad.